Understanding and Acceptance

Like many parents, Friday night I hugged my kids a little tighter, a little longer. Thankful I had the opportunity  to do so. I regretted the previous week of arguing with Aidan,and letting the frustration win out.

The news of the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school is not easy to hear, to read, to think about. The children were just babies really- six and seven years old. Such a senseless catastrophe.

Is stricter gun control laws the answer? I don't know. Honestly, I am not a fan of guns. I know how to shoot a rifle. At least technically if not accurately... I could look up statistics on how many mass shooting there are in each country vs the strictness/ease of gaining firearms. I'm not going to do that.

Instead, I want everyone to think of how they treat their loved ones, class mates, students, coworkers, the checkers at the grocery store. Do we give them the respect they inherently deserve as humans? Or do we treat them as servants, lesser beings?

And think of your preconceived notions of mental illness. The stereotypes you hold. Do you think of am insane asylum? One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?  Personality disorders, depression, Schizophrenia... Let's start a discussion that will lead  to an understanding of the intricacies and variances of the human mind. Let's stop attaching a social stigma to these disorders. Let's allow people with mental illness to function in a society that understands and supports them. Please, let's help and offer support for family members and caregivers and provide them with the resources they need to keep their loved ones healthy.

Can you imagine the stress, the daily fear, of raising a child, knowing he/she has a "problem" and not knowing how to get help? Or fearing the answer if you ask for help?

catchin' up

School is in full force for the kiddos, has been for a while. i meant to post about Aidan's first day of school, but I didn't. I think we were in a rare (lately, anyways) busy period at work. He loves it. In fact, he is upset every might wen he asks if he has school tomorrow and we say 'no, it's the weekend.' (by the way, my shift key is only working occasionally today, so if something should be capitalized, and it's not, I apologize. It would drive me nuts!) the only problem we are having is his accidents. Sometimes, we will go all week without any, the next week, every friggin day!

Sean is in 3rd grade now, and loves it. He says it is harder than 2nd and he doesn't like that. His class is going on a field trip to a pumpkin patch on Thursday. he is pretty excited about that. I wish I could go too, but I have to work. We can't afford for me to take the time off right now.

work has been either crazy busy, or super slow. I would love just a straight 40 every week so I know we can pay bills. thank goodness Ry is working at the boy's school to pay for their tuition. otherwise, we would be S.O.L. and would have to pull them out of private school. not that I have anything against public school. I am a product of public schooling, and I think I did pretty damn well. I feel well rounded socially and intellectually. But the kids are really thriving at Brighton, and i would hate to pull them out.

In other news, i have discovered pinterest. A bit later than most. i was resistant. But now i am completely addicted! I am blaming Brittany for my new addiction.

Also, my Grandma celebrated her 88th birthday this weekend. I would post a picture, but I can't figure out how to get a picture from facebook to my blog. Last time, it was easy, but something has changed.... Anyway. She is in oklahoma, and I miss the heck out of her. happy Birthday Grandma!

oh, and i got contacts again! It's funny. My older sister wanted glasses so bad she lied on a vision test and then had to go through weeks of treatment for lazy eye (i think it was lazy eye. i was little). and I wish my eyes were bad enough for lasik surgery.

and me and the boys made chocolate chip cookies and enchiladas today.

next time , I will be more focused with my topic. Thanks for reading my randomness today.

Belly Flops?

Aidan: Mommy, what are you wearing on your feet?
Me: Shoes
Aidan: What are they called?
Me: Ballet flats
Aidan: Belly Flops?
Me: They are called Ballet flats
Aidan: You have belly flops on your feet? That's so funny!

True story.

Choices

How do you know if you have made the right decision? Do you ever wonder "What would my life be like if I had done ______ instead?" Would you change any of the choices you have made? Even if it meant your life would be completely different? Maybe better, maybe worse?

I do. I wonder those things. Knowing what I now know, I wouldn't change. But I would like to think I would've handle some of the choices better. Said or done things nicer. Instead of striking out at those I cared about in defense, I would like to think I would listen with an open mind.

I tend to be a worrier. Thinking of the cause and effect of every little, minuscule detail. Over-analyzing until I am too afraid to make a choice. The bigger the decision, the more I worry.  Hell, I have been known to talk myself out of posting something on Facebook, or on here, because I am afraid of how someone might interpret it. And this is supposed to be a place where I can write, uncensored. Just for me. Maybe someone else will read it, gain some insight from my thoughts and feelings. Maybe someone dealing with anxiety and depression will see they are not alone. And yet, I make the choice to not post on some things that are dear to me, important to my ideology, because of fear that someone may react negatively.

Now would be a great time for me to say "Fuck that. I will write whatever I want to write." But I can't. Even writing the word fuck makes me nervous that I will offend someone. That's a choice I make. To think about what I am going to post. To weigh the potential reactions of the people I know that read this tripe. So I stay away from certain topics, even though I feel strongly about them, and believe they are important on a national level. I don't want to cause any ripples, let alone waves.

This is supposed to be a place where I can explore my thoughts, feelings. Unload my doubts and fears. A place where I can discover just who the hell I am. What makes me, well, me. I have forgotten that over the past couple of months. I have let myself get too wrapped up in the endless minutia.

Perfect example: I was at friend's house Friday evening. We were on her deck, drinking margaritas and eating strawberry shortcakes. These were the best damn strawberries I have had. She got them at a little farm stand in town. I mentioned that I may stop by and pick some up over the next couple of days. She recommended that we take the boys to the farm over the weekend, and let them pick their own. My reply was that I had too many things to do over the weekend to do that. Her response: "Looking back in 20 years, what are you going to remember? Taking care of the household chores, or watching your boys pick berries?"

And that is why she is one of my best friends.

In 20 years, I want to remember being a good mom, taking the time to go pick berries, to wrestle, to snuggle up and read stories. I want my children to remember me as being a fun, cool mom. (Or whatever terminology that will mean the same thing). I know we will probably go through the "I hate my parents" stage before we can get to the "My mom is the best" stage, but I want to make the choices that will get us there.

I want to write more, love more, learn more. This what I choose to do.

Randomness

Yesterday, my baby turned four. How the Heck did that happen? How is he old enough to start Pre-K in September? Just not possible. He's only 2 right?!?

Relay for Life was an exhausting blast! Pictures and details to come after I have recovered. Sean walked 6.5 miles, Aidan did 4.

I owe a co-worker homemade cinnamon rolls and a turtle cheesecake because the Thunder didn't beat the Heat. Still love my Thunder though... (Can take the girl outta Oklahoma, but not the Oklahoma out of the girl)

Speaking of Oklahoma, I am continually amazed at the number of people I have met in Oregon that are either from Oklahoma or have family in Oklahoma. I mean really! I met a family member of a resident who grew up in Pauls Valley!

Coffee can save lives. Chocolate can bring about World Peace. ( I have a theory on this, if only the military would listen!)

Respect is not earned, it is lost

Aidan is 4! I am still befuddled by this fact

Why I relay

Most people have heard of the American Cancer Society. Most people know of Relay for Life. I relay. Do you?

I relay for my aunts, both of whom have had cancer. One twice. One put up a brave fight, but was unable to defeat it. I relay for my mom. Not only has she been there for both of her sisters, she was there herself. I relay for my grandparents. Nobody should have to watch any of their children go through that, let alone all three of them. I relay for my sisters and myself. I relay for my children, in hope that they will never have to hear that diagnosis. I relay for my patients.

I relay in hope that one day, cancer will not be devastating. That hearing the word will not send people into a state of shock, grief. That if you are told you have cancer, there is a 100% survival rate.

 I relay because cancer sucks. Period. It sucks to have it. It sucks to hear a loved one has it. It sucks to have to stay strong when all you want to do is fall apart, even if just for a moment. It sucks to have to make the decision on when to stop treatment. It sucks to hear the treatment has been ineffective.

I don't want anyone to have to go through that.


This year, I am a co-captain for my team. If you feel strongly that cancer sucks, you can donate to my team's fundraising goal at: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12GW?pg=team&fr_id=38351&team_id=1202585,
or to my individual goal at: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12National?px=29272192&pg=personal&fr_id=38351

Thank you.

On Motherhood

I feel as if I should have some sort of profound revelation on being a mother. How it has changed me, made me a better person, etc. I don't. 

Yes, it has changed me. I drive slower, I don't drink as much, I go to bed earlier. I think a little differently too. I am more mature and responsible than I was 8 years and a few months ago. But I am me. I am not only Sean and Aidan's mom. I am a distinct individual. 

It took me several years and a lot of guilt to come to the realization that I can be Sean's mom, Aidan's mom, and still be my own person. I think that is important. 

As far as being a better person.... The jury is still out. I can be selfish, self involved. I get cranky easily.

Motherhood has different definitions and rules to each woman. The decisions I make as a mother are not the same decisions my mother made. Granted, they may be similar in some respects.  Does that mean my decisions are wrong or my mother's were? No. We are different women, with different children. And that is perfectly fine. As long as neither of us violate any laws. 

I have good, positive role models for being a mother. My mom taught me that I am never too old to improve myself, to continue my education.  My step mother showed me that I can overcome any obstacle in my path. My mother in law, although we haven't always seen eye to eye, has helped me learn to accept what I cannot change. I may not always follow their lead, but the lessons are there, and will be there for me. 

Being a mother is so much more than what I expected. It is so much more rewarding.

Contentment

Wow. I have been feeling so good lately. No major mood swings, no complete and utter exhaustion (tired still yes, but not exhausted). I haven't been feeling super stressed and overwhelmed. Happy. I think I have actually been happy.  I don't mean happy like "Oh, I just a really awesome pair of shoes happy," but the type of happy where you feel all is right in the world.

I haven't felt like that in years. That's pretty sad, don't you think? I mean I've been happy, nothing major going wrong, everything moving in the right direction as a whole. But I haven't been at peace. Writing that makes me feel sad.

I mean, why should I go through years, just going forward. I am young still. I should embrace my life with abandonment? Not quite the right word, but close enough. I should feel content more than not.  And I haven't been.

I have a lot to be happy about, my kids are healthy, I have a good job, good friends, wonder family, the best husband. So why haven't I been feeling it?

My hypothesis, and it is only a hypothesis, is my hormone have been out of whack (a truly technical description) since I had Aidan. And no, I am not blaming him for any of my thoughts or feelings. I'm about to get a bit personal here, so if you don't wanna hear it, then stop reading now.

Here's how I came to that thought: My cycles have not been regular since I had Aidan. And I could set my watch by them before. I know I have always had mood swings, but I have gone to the extremes since giving birth. My internal thermometer has not been working right, in fact I wake up sweating, while Ryan has his head buried under the blankets. (Some of the old ladies at work, keep asking if I am old enough to go through "the change").  There are some other, more personal items, I will not discuss here.

I go see my Women's health doctor Friday for a follow up. I am apprehensive, but hopeful she can help me find the answers. On the plus side, I am still content.

Homesick for weather?

For a moment I was transported back to Oklahoma. It's April, low 80s, and a thunderstorm rolling in. I literally watched the clouds form, and the sky go from brilliant blue to gray. The wind whipping the trees, leaves swirling in a cyclone. The rain beating against the windows, the lights flickering as the thunder booms and lightening flashes. Oh, Oklahoma! How I miss your turbulence.

It was over in less than 30 minutes. The bring Candace back to reality. In Oklahoma, it could go on for hours. I could stop anything, and watch the storm for hours (secretly hoping to spot a wall cloud). Not in Oregon. There are not enough thunderstorms here. There just aren't. I don't care what you say, the beauty of the storm is the violence, the unpredictably. The house shaking, the sky darkening the brilliant white of a nearby lightening strike. Mother nature with all her fury and vengeance.

Storms in Oregon are predictable. Steady rain, gray sky, cold air.  Maybe it's just my contrary nature, but I thrive on routine, but love the unpredictable.

I hope it storms again.

One year

It's hard to believe that just over a year ago, we loaded a Penske truck and began our journey back to Oregon. We left Oklahoma on April 2, and it was in 80s.... We drove through wind gusts in Kansas that topped 70 MPH, and thought my little Nissan was a vampire, and needed to be stacked with a tumbleweed the size of a Saint Bernard (we spent an extra 2 days in Kansas, getting a new radiator). We drove through snow in Colorado, across Salt Plains in Utah, and down steep mountainsides with no guardrails with a 1000 ft drop (did I mention how curvy that road was?). We arrived in Oregon to freezing temperatures and snow April 8, 2011.

Not necessarily a pleasant trip, but no unpleasant either. We saw some beautiful scenery, although I really wish we could've afforded to stop and take more time.

I started work April 18. And met some wonderful people, coworkers and patients, that have influenced my life for the better. I honestly don't know if I could've made it through everything if not for them.

There has definitely been tons of stress: the move itself, staying with the in-laws for a few months, buying a house, moving (again) into our new house, starting a new job, adjusting to continually changing Medicare regulations, getting the kids settled and into a routine (yea, we are still working on that one...). Now that a year has gone by, hopefully, most of these adjustments are in the final stages.

I get homesick for Oklahoma sometimes, but that will probably always be the case. I miss my family. I worry about my grandparents. I miss the wide open space. I don't miss the blistering cold and ice of the winter or the sweltering heat of the summer.

I love the mountain view out of my front and back doors. The more temperate seasons are a bonus as well. Spending a summer day rafting down the Rogue. Being able to go get a gallon of milk AND return home within 30 minutes (instead of just arriving at the store) sure is nice as well. Sean goes to a good school where he has really blossomed.

It is amazing that so much has changed in such a short period of time.

Spring

I love Spring. It's probably one of my favorite times of year. And to satisfy my need to make a list, in no particular order, here is why:

1. blowing bubbles
2. weeding
3. mowing
4. sidewalk chalk
5. dog walking
6. visits to the parks
7. gardening
8. yard sales
9. barbecues
10. sandals

Yup. I love Spring

How did this happen?

Holy crap! Time has just flown by. For example:

1. My baby sister (almost 11 years younger) will be old enough to legally drink in less than a month. How the heck did that happen?!?
2. My youngest brother in law is graduating high school. He was only slightly older than Sean when Ryan and I got married. Where have I been that he can be old enough for this?
3. Its April of 2012! April... already. I am still writing 2011 on stuff sometimes!
4. I have 2 kids. They are 7 and 3. Almost 8 and 4... There is NO way I am old enough to have kids this age... (I know, I should just wait until they're teenagers....)
5. I have a CAREER.. not just a job

So, I know time is not really going faster than when I was younger. But damn... realizing that so much has happened in what feels like such a minuscule amount of time, makes me feel older than I am. 

Introspection

Since I've been writing this blog, I have been really focusing on me: my thoughts, feelings, beliefs. How I respond in social settings, at work, at home. My relationships and how they have evolved or devolved, depending.  My likes and dislikes. My habits. My goals and my plans.

I have noticed that when I start to fell anxious and stressed, I fidget. Then I go on a major cleaning binge. Knitting helps with the fidgeting in a productive way. As long as I can stay focused on the rhythmical click- click of the needles.  My anxiety has improved overall, I think. I have fewer days where I feel as if I am losing control. I've been taking Holy Basil, an herbal supplement to help with anxiety. If I forget to take it a few days in a row, I can feel the anxiety and stress building, and it takes a few days of consistency to bring it back down.

I know it is important to have an accurate perception of who/what I am. I'm still working on the accurate portion of that.

I am truly blessed with the family and friends that I have in my life. They understand me, my thoughts, fears, limitations. They love me despite it all.

This period of introspection has been beneficial to me, and hopefully those close to me that have to put up with all my moods on a regular basis. I am looking forward to seeing the results.

Vacation!!!!!!

I don't have to work for the next 9-10 days. WooHoo!!! I have realized, for the past 9 years or so, any vacation I took we either traveled to Ryan's family for the holidays, or traveled to see my family. As much I love traveling and our families, these definitely were not stress free vacations.

 The last vacation, we moved from Oklahoma to Oregon. We planned for plenty of time to drive. Good thing, since the wind in Kansas decided my Nissan was a vampire car and staked it with a ginormous tumbleweed. We were stuck for 2 days while I got a new radiator.

The vacation before that, we flew from Oklahoma to Oregon for Christmas. Sean was about 3 and I was preggers with Aidan. Of course, our return flight got screwed up, and the airline said we hadn't paid for our return flight and wouldn't let us board. We had already turned in our rental car. I spent close to 5 hours on the phone with the travel agency, airline, and anyone else that I thought could get the mess cleared up. We had paid for our tickets. They were round trip! Before we left Oklahoma, we were informed our return flights were rerouted, and apparently the airline agent in Oklahoma screwed up when she got us on the plane to Oregon. Trust me, I was one bitchy, hormonal pregnant woman.

Needless to say, I haven't really had good luck relaxing on vacations....

This time, we aren't travelling anywhere. I had originally wanted to go visit my mommy in Hawaii, but tickets were just too much right now for us. Maybe next year. So instead, I have a list of projects I would like to get done that I don't usually have time to do on the weekends.

We are also going to go on a real date. Kidless.... Thanks Kristen for wanting to steal my boys for the evening. We so love you for that.

I am also getting a massage. And maybe getting my hair cut...

Hopefully the weather will be nicer than it is forecasted. I would really like to take my kiddos to the park.

Of course, there are business type things I have to do. Like renew my PTA license so I can keep my job after the end of the month, pay the mortgage, so I have a place to live. But all in all, I plan on sleeping in, going to the gym, and relearning how to relax and be productive. Finding the balance.

Bleh

I really, honestly, truly thought I was doing better.

Maybe, today, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Got up too early. I don't know. But I am in a funk. And not one that I have been able to chase off in the last 10 hours or so.

Yesterday was such a great day! I got 8 hours in at work, no more, no less. Made productivity! Had enough energy to play with the kiddos, and watch a show with Ryan after he got home from work.

Today, I have had poor motivation to do much of anything. I had to force myself to get off the couch and clean up. I haven't even showered yet!

I've been irritable, snappish with the kids and Ryan. Chocolate doesn't even sound good.

Bleh.

Tomorrow will be better. If not, I may just hide in my room so I don't subject my family to more of my nonsense.

Changes

Change happens. No matter what we do, what choices we make, our lives will change. Sometimes, it is a gradual change. Others it is an abrupt change. Sometimes we opt for the change, sometimes, changes are forced upon us. Sometimes we are ready for a change, sometimes not so much.

Sometimes we want change, but are unable to make it happen. Sometimes it is willpower. Can I give up the comfortable rut that I am in and go embrace the unknown? Sometimes it is financial. Can I give up the materialistic lifestyle I enjoy and live simpler with less? Sometimes it is laziness. Do I get up an hour earlier in order to go to the gym? Sometimes we are just plain torn. Which option is the best?

People struggle with these and other choices all day. Some are obviously more minimal in impact. Do I order the cheeseburger or the mixed green salad?  Others can have life altering implications. Do I stay in a small town where there are not many opportunities or find a job in a bigger city?

We all have different thought processes and methods of making decisions. (I liked my ennie  meanie minny mo for test taking). We all have different morals and norms that we live by that influence our decisions.

I can tell you, one of the hardest decisions in my life was returning to school. I had a 2 year old for goodness sakes! But I knew I could not continue working retail and stay sane! I was lucky enough to have a husband that supported me through school. He agreed with me that I needed to quit my job and focus on my education, especially after having anxiety attacks when trying to work, study, be a mom and a wife, and then having a second child half way through!

And while it was a difficult decision, and there were many times I felt like it was too much. It was the best decision and effected many wonderful changes in my life. I have a great career where I get to help people become more independent. I have the ability to be a great role model and inspiration for my sons. I have a pretty steady schedule that doesn't fluctuate wildly so I am able to spend time with my family.

I have made some bad decisions. But I don't think I would go back and change them. After all, the choices I have made have brought me to where I am today. The choices I make today, will influence my tomorrow.

So, what did YOU do this weekend?

I had a very busy, unexpectedly long weekend. I was very productive, but not as productive as my sister in law!

She had a baby. I got to help! Completely rocked! I got to be the cheerleader, the comedian, the shoulder to lean on.  I have never been on that side of the birthing process before.

This was a very special event. She had the baby in a hospital about 45 minutes away. It was the only place that would allow a VBAC. I was sooooo scared we wouldn't get there in time. Earlier in the week, I had a nightmare I had to pull over on the interstate and deliver the baby in the snow! Thank goodness that didn't happen.

We got there just in time. She was dilated 8-9 cm. Little Leo came at 12:09 am on March 2. He shares a birthday with Dr. Seuss. How  cool is that? He is just a little cutie!

Look at his perfect little lips!

There are no words adequate enough to describe how I feel about being invited to experience my nephew's debut. Honored, loved, trusted. Those don't even come close. The fact that I am the sister IN LAW, and was asked to help her... I mean, I didn't even have my sisters in the same state when I gave birth.... No offense to any of my brother in laws, I'm not sure I would ask any of their ladies to be in the room.... Of course, none of them are married yet... I digress

Leo and his favorite Auntie (okay, his only auntie...)

I left the hospital Friday night, so I could spend a little bit of time with my own kids. There is nothing like seeing someone enter the world to make you appreciate those you have brought in to it! And boy howdy, I missed them like crazy by Friday night. 

Saturday, Big Sister came over and played while Grandma picked up Sarah and Leo. Me and the kids all played hard. We colored, we cooked, we played with all sorts of toys! I don't know if my living room will ever be the same! 

Here is Big Sister giving Baby Brother a kiss.

Then today, I cleaned up Sarah's place so she wouldn't have to worry about it when she returned home. She is staying a few days with her folks so they can help out the with the kids.

So yea, I had a busy weekend. Wouldn't trade it for anything! In fact, I can't wait to get my hands on that little cutie again!

Thank you Sarah for letting me be a part of his entrance!

Potty Training Blues

I don't believe in the terrible two's. The two's where wonderful. The boys were discovering everything. Language, music, bugs, grass, flowers, textures, foods.... The three's... not so much. Mostly because that's when we got real serious about potty training. And of course, pooping is the only thing the kids have real control of at that age. 

We were lucky enough that Sean really wanted to go to school when he turned four. So we used that as incentive for him to go each and every time on the potty. Aidan says he doesn't want to go to school. 

So we tried bribing with candy. That worked temporarily... Then it was back to "I DON'T WANNA GO POO IN THE POTTY!!!!!" Throwing himself down on the floor, kicking and screaming. 

Then we tried saying "If you poo in the potty, you can play your brother's DS." Again, that actually worked. However, when we told him it was time to put up the DS, All H-E- double hockey sticks broke loose. So we eventually had to discontinue that bribe.

Then all of a sudden, he was going every single time in the potty. First thing he would do would be to go sit on the throne. "I got 1 poo out Mom!" He would yell. We were thrilled. Ecstatic. Our baby decided on his own to go in the potty, consistently, without us prompting him.

And then it stopped, and he would go in his brand new boxer briefs (that are just so stinking cute!!!), or his pull up when we got sick and tired of rinsing poo out of his unders.

We are now on another upswing. Hopefully he will continue to go with minimal screaming. He still does the   "I DON'T WANNA GO POO IN THE POTTY!!!!!" Routine on a regular basis. And sometimes he sits on the potty for a while, screaming his fool head off.

And then Aidan looks at me, smiles and says "I love you Mom." And all my frustration melts away.

Spring Fever

I have caught the bug.... The gardening bug. I can't wait until I can dig into the ground and plant some seeds, watch them grow. Of course, the forecast is for snow tonight....

I want to do edible landscaping. A mix of edibles and ornamentals. We have a beautiful Japanese maple and pink dogwood in our front yard, I'm not getting rid of those! But the half dead boxwoods, are going to go! I would really like to not have grass in the front yard at all, it is a pretty small area, maybe about 10x15 or so. I need to go out and measure the beds so I can really get my plan down.

I like the idea of growing more of my own fruits and vegetables. Partly because it is cheaper. But there is also something therapeutic about digging in the earth, weeding, staking, watching the sprouts grow, and harvesting. Plus, what a great thing to teach the boys now, while they are young. That food doesn't just magically appear in the grocery store, that somebody, somewhere had to grow it, tend to it.

I know I am going to have to do my landscaping over a few years, we just cannot afford to dig the entire yard up and replant. Nor do I want to do that. Yes, there are plenty of things I want to get rid of. But there are also plenty I would like to keep. There are beautiful rhododendrons, roses, climbing clematis, dusty millers. I would love to add some peonies, hydrangea, a couple of hostas, elephant ears, oh my... I could go on. And that is just on the ornamentals...

I want tomatoes, squash, basil, oregano, strawberries, asparagus, cilantro, green beans, pumpkins, watermelon, lettuces, spinach, onions, all sorts!

I will have to figure out how to keep it looking pretty throughout the year, which will probably be the hard part. Growing up, if we had a garden, there was a designated section, with rows of each plant. Living in town, with a small yard, that may be difficult to do and still leave room for the kids and dogs.

Guess it's a good thing I plan on taking some time to get this figured out!

Happy Gardening!

Headaches Suck

I got my first migraine as a teenager. Tunnel vision, nausea, light sensitivity, noise sensitivity, throbbing on one side of my head. I felt like I was dying. I had several years where I had them at least once a month. Generally, they were cyclic, about 2 weeks before I started my period. I also had food triggers, although I had to eat massive amounts of those...

As I got older and went on birth control, the migraines leveled out. Especially after I went on a progesterone only pill. Apparently, my body needs some extra estrogen though. I had several month of heavy menstruation, and not just a couple of day, I'm talking about 23 days of heavy bleeding in a month. So now I am on a super low dose of estrogen. Luckily, I am becoming more regular again. Unfortunately, I am having an increase in headaches.

On the plus side, I haven't had a severe migraine in a few months, since before I changed pills. On the downside, I get headaches at least once a week...I am not sure what is causing these. Maybe a little bit is from stress, maybe another piece is from having more estrogen, maybe another is just sheer exhaustion from trying to be and do everything. 

 Nothing seems to really help them. Except sleep. I get so wiped out from these type. And it's a different type of exhaustion. I don't really know how to describe it.The worst are the ones that wake me up. Sometimes, those are so bad I just want to curl up and cry. I hate getting out of bed to find the tylenol, and then I hurt so bad and feel so sick it takes forever to fall back to sleep. And I don't think those are migraines, the feel of them is completely different.

I try to avoid the analgesics, because you can actually compound the headaches with long term analgesic use. Aromatherapy helps some times helps, trigger point massage helps other times, naps have helped as well. There just doesn't seem to be anything that will help all the time.  I am looking into alternative ways of managing my less severe headaches. But let's face it, I have 2 growing boys, I can't always go into my bedroom and sleep it off. 

I know I am pretty lucky, in that I know what causes my migraines, and how to manage those. I know the warning signs, and the first signs of one developing, and I can generally ward those buggers off, or at least minimize the severity. The fact they have gotten less severe as I have gotten older helps a lot too. But I get so friggin tired of these niggling, annoying, pains that run from the base of my skull, down into my shoulder, and up into my forehead. 

Simplicity

Simplicity. What a wonderful word. What images it brings to mind. A covered front porch with a swing, a glass of lemonade. The laughter of a child. Grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. A colorful kite in the spring blue sky. Catching fireflies in the warm summer night. 

How quickly we seem to lose the simplicity of childhood pleasures. How eager we are to "grow up" as we go through the rites of passage into adulthood. How easily we give in to the demands of daily life, allowing the stresses to override the pleasures. 

I am striving to regain the simplicity. To allow my children to be children. To enjoy them, even when they don't do as I ask. To show them that I will always love and cherish them. To encourage their imaginations and  creativity. 

I am striving to allow simplicity into my marriage. Holding hands, discussing nothing in particular, laughing over the kids' antics, or the dogs' antics. To STOP feeling like I need to be in control, to stop worrying so much (I know I will never stop worrying completely).  I want to sit on that front porch swing, watching the sun set with an ice cold glass of lemonade, holding hands with my husband. I want us to last another 50+ years. 

Sweetest. Kid. Ever.

Seriously. I have the sweetest 7 year old in the world. He gives the best squishy hugs (a.k.a bear hugs). Made his and his brother's breakfast yesterday morning. Draws pictures for me and Ryan telling us how great we are, how much he loves us. And yesterday for Auntie Sarah's birthday party, he made her a card.

It had hearts, and pictures of Sarah, her daughter and him. Oh, and the baby in her tummy was in it too. On the bottom, it said" I love you so mush" Oh, and they were all eating ice cream cones (even the unborn baby had an ice cream cone).

Gosh I love that kid! Can I keep him like this forever?

Oh, and Happy Birthday Sarah!

Relaxed

I am enjoying a nice evening of knitting with Sean, and listening to Ryan and his brother play music and sing. Very relaxing. Aidan is sleeping off what ever bug he got during the week on the couch. Savannah is at Ryan's feet, occasionally rolling onto her back and grunting, hoping for a belly rub. Ammy is curled up in Savannah's crate. Now this is what I need.

We had a nice dinner that Ryan and I cooked together, good beer, and good conversation as a family. I have really missed eating dinner as a family. One of the downfalls of Ryan working evenings right now.

But seriously. I am tired, but not stressed or anxious. The only question I have right now is, what should my next knitting project be???

Temptation

Temptation is everywhere! I swear, I decide to start eating better, and what is on every endcap in the grocery store? Junk food, candy, soda. I bring a turkey and cheese on whole wheat with spinach on it, and what magically appears at work? Cookies, doughnuts! I mean really! 

I have got to learn self control. I cannot keep eating like this. I now weigh close to what I weighed when I was nine months pregnant with my second child! My scrubs are starting to get tight. And that, my friends, is never a good sign. 

Now that I feel more on an even keel emotionally, I should be able to return to the gym and eat healthier. I want to have more energy without having to stay caffeinated all day. I want to set a good example for my kids. So, by golly, I will do it. 

So please, someone eat all those doughnuts at work, so when I go in tomorrow, I won't be so tempted!

The End of and Era

I went to high school at Amherst Regional High School in Amherst, MA. I am very proud to say that I studied Russian for four years under Jude Wobst. I originally decided on Russian because it was NOT the language my older sister was taking. But because of that juvenile reason, I had many positive experiences.

We competed in the annual ACTR  Olympiad event in Cambridge, MA. It is a spoken Russian competition. I earned many accolades from my ability to speak Russian, know her geography and her culture. I was lucky enough to be able to participate in a foreign exchange trip with a school in Petrozavodsk. I spent almost 4 weeks completely immersed in daily life- going to school shopping, trips to museums. By the time I left, my dreams were in Russian.

Last night I learned that ARHS was ending its Russian Language program. To me, and many others, this is disastrous news. Over the many years that the Russian program has been around, it earned a reputation for being one of the leading public school programs for the language. College professors of Russian all around the country knew of our tiny program. We had achieved national and international success.

Several of the programs graduates went on to study Russian and Russian Area Studies. They work in a variety of fields, many would not be where they are today without the experiences they had while studying under Jude.

Today, it was bittersweet as I went to my son's school and talked to his classmates about the Russian Language and taught them how to write their names.

 I wonder how many lives have been influenced by the program that is being ended next month, or could have been influenced?

So to Jude, Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for believing so passionately about the importance of learning the history, culture, and language of such a beautiful place. Thank you for allowing me to have all the opportunities that I would have missed. 

Snarfles are Good

I am having the hardest time staying positive right now. It seems like all the shit is hitting the fan right now. Mostly at work, and I won't go into details, because that would violate my own personal code of ethics. But other small things, just keep piling up, and I feel like I am barely able to keep a step ahead of the avalanche.

I am not having a mental break down, despite all the recent posts on stress, anxiety and depression. This has really just been my sounding board for dealing with the areas of my life I feel inadequate in handling. It has been wonderful getting the support and encouraging comments here.

This has just been a rough, stressful couple of months. Usually, there are only a few days in row like this...

I am going to make a list of the positives in my life now:

1. I have wonderful husband (He had the house clean when I got home)
2. My children are healthy and happy
3. My family loves me (and puts up with my moods)
4. I have a job
5. I have a social life
6. I have friends that are true friends
7. We can pay our bills
8. We own our house, and are not in danger of losing it
9. I am healthy
10. When I was crying earlier, Savannah came and put her ginormous head on my lap, then snarfled me (a snarfle is when a giant dog puts his/her nose against you then sniffs in and makes a noise that sounds like a snarf)
11. My kids are laughing instead of getting their PJs on...

Now, I feel a bit better. However, it really is bed time now, and we still need to read a story...

List Maker List Maker make me a list

I am a list maker. I have note books full of lists. I enjoy the sense of accomplishment that comes with scratching out an entry. I have a grocery list, a things to do, a honey-do, fun summer time stuff, house projects, craft projects, goals.... I do not feel fulfilled if I have not made at least one list a day.

I know it is a bit obsessive, compulsive. I can't help it. I have tried to stop writing lists. The longest I have lasted is 2 weeks. 

Sometimes, I make a list of things I really need to do, but don't want to do. Making doctors appointments, cleaning the toilets, scooping poop. Those sort of things go there. Sometimes, my lists are of things I do routinely. Balancing the checkbook, paying bills, grocery shopping. Those are for the days I really want to feel like I got something accomplished!

I need to feel somewhat organized. My life in general right now is in complete disarray. (No, we are not having problems...) It helps me prioritize, manage the time I do have away from work better.  I don't think list making is a bad thing. I can even make lists on my phone, there's an app for that! (Several actually.) I have not found a good free one that does everything I want. Maybe I should learn how to develop one.... hmm... Think of the list I would make for learning that!

Inspiration

We pulled into the hotel parking lot after a grueling drive through the mountains on roads with hairpin curves and no guardrails, right next to drop off into a river at around 8 pm on Friday night. We were all exhausted, and excited. The boys kept asking if we were at the beach yet. We got checked in, and took our stuff to our room. Our room had a private balcony, and though it was pitch black, I knew it would have a gorgeous view of the ocean.

We walked down to the beach, yes, in the dark. It was gorgeous. The kids were in awe. I tried to take some pictures, but my night setting on my digital does not work so hot, as this is what I got:

The spots are moisture droplets.At least, that is what I think they are. There are no spots on my lens.

Over the next 2 days, I watched the waves, played with the kids, and had real conversations with my husband. I became more relaxed than I have been in over a year. With a view like that though, how can you not become relaxed?

As each wave would roll in with such violence that you could feel it shaking the sand, and then gently ebb back out to sea, I felt the tension ease away.

I mean, we really could not have asked for a more perfect weekend to go to the coast. Sunny, in the 60s, just a light breeze. And this is February! Normally, in July, I feel like I need a coat on the Oregon Coast!

And then there were the sunsets...

Ok, so both of these were of the same sunset, just with different settings. But still, I think that was the first time I actually saw the sun set over the Pacific.

This past weekend gave me so many inspirations. Not just to start taking pictures again (although I have decided to start saving for a DSLR). I am going to take the time to get to know my family again, make the time for me. I want to see more sunsets, feel more relaxed, and smile more. I am going to let my creativity shine more, write more regularly, take more pictures, dance more. 

Escape

I am making an escape this weekend. We are getting out of town, and we are going to enjoy ourselves! The ocean is calling my name right now.

I am feeling more and more like myself this week. Got a lot off my chest, out of my mind. Now I just need to take some time from everything! No house work this weekend. Laundry can wait. Just have to pack up a few days worth of clothes, toiletries and the camera.

Life can resume Sunday evening.

The Internet is a Dangerous Place For Me

Anxiety can be a bitch. While I have not be officially diagnosed with any of the anxiety disorders, I know I have issues with it. And it tends to come in waves... Right now, I am on a slow uphill climb. Sometimes, it takes months for me to really get a handle on it, others, just a few days.

I have been doing some online research on anxiety to help understand it better. Because that's the way I am. I have to learn about it, think it through, then hopefully I am able to put a plan into action. According to the Mayo Clinic, the symptoms of anxiety are as follows:

• Feeling apprehensive (yup)
• Feeling powerless (yup)
• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom (occasionally, more so than usual)
• Having an increased heart rate (sometimes I can feel it racing)
• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation) (not really)
• Sweating (All the friggin time!)
• Trembling (ehh... not usually)
• Feeling weak or fatigued (Every day, from the moment I wake up, to the time I go to bed)

So, after reading that I hopped on over to MedlinePlus. There I found a self assessment tool. And this is what it said:

"The self assessment tool indicates the presence of the symptoms of Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It is recommended that you contact a doctor or mental health professional."

This is why I am dangerous on the internet... I take these self assessment tests, then run rampant.

I have had panic attacks. The whole elephant on my chest, can't breath, dizzy, nauseous, tingling in the fingers and toes, blurry vision type of deal is no fun at all. In fact is one of the scariest experiences I have ever had. Especially when it happens as you are driving down a country road by yourself at 2 a.m. Or when you are at WalMart. Oh yeah. Been there, done that. Thankfully, that hasn't happened in about 4 years. (Although I almost had one before going to a recent doctor's appointment)

There are a variety of anxiety disorders out there. And really, I think at times, most people have some difficulty in managing the stresses in their life. Most people are able to work through it, and move on. My problem is that while I know I am worrying, and stressing out about mostly inconsequential things, I can't stop it. I am like a damn chihuahua. Nipping at the smallest inkling that something may not go as I planned, worrying at it until it explodes and instead of it being a minor inconvenience, it turns into something I can't work around or through. Then it just sits there festering....

I know there are some really good pharmaceuticals out there that can help. And there are some common sense changes that can help as well:

• exercises regularly
• avoid alcohol or other sedatives
• eat healthy foods
• sleep
• relax
• quit smoking
• avoid/limit caffeine

Hard to exercises when you are so pooped, you can hardly get out of bed in the morning. I don't drink alcohol often, an occasional beer or glass of wine with the girls from work or out at dinner with the husband. I try to eat healthfully, but let's face it. I am a sugar junkie. Sleep? Either that is all I do, or I can not, no matter what I try, fall asleep and stay asleep. Relax? We are talking anxiety here, right? Don't smoke. I don't know about the last one. I do so love my coffee. And my Dr. Pepper.

I know those are really just a bunch of excuses. Especially on the exercise, eating better and limiting caffeine ones. I know that studies support that exercise can have positive outcomes with people with depression and anxiety, I have read the reports. I truly believe it too. I tell my patients almost daily, how important physical activity is for overall well being. But sometimes, this knowledge just adds more stress and guilt to my lack of desire to make these simple, important lifestyle changes.

Lucky

This is the first time my boys met. Gotta love that smile.

This is about a year later...

This is about a year ago...                                          

I am so lucky my kids love each other.

Motivation

I wonder if I use up all my motivation at work, motivating others to do their therapy. On my drive home, I always think "I'm gonna get this and this done tonight." Then I get home and pfffbbt.  I don't get hardly anything done. (Although today, I did manage to clean out the fridge, at least I got rid of the old leftover).

I know I need to get up and go to the gym in the morning. I Even set my alarm early so I will have plenty of time.  I know that regular exercise helps me handle stress and anxiety better. But lately, my alarm goes off and I either set it to go off later, or get up and just be lazy. Every great once in awhile, I make it to the gym.

Don't get me started on my end of the housework... Ry does his part pretty dang good (I am pretty lucky). But my list of to do's just keeps getting longer and longer and longer...

I wish I could just snap out of it. And maybe as my hormones adjust to my new medication I will...Meanwhile, I will keep positive and hope that I get my motivation back.

Barely Hangin' On

I feel like there is NEVER enough time in the day. I want to be able to go to work, get my job done, come home, play with the kiddos, do my projects around the house, and spend time with my husband. Is that too much to ask? To have the time or the energy to not feel like I am choosing between my family and my obligations?

I have been avoiding overtime at work. We could use the extra money. But I have been so stressed, so tired, that I just CAN'T do it right now. And then of course, I start worrying about money. Overtime for me is pretty damn good money.

I have not taken on any more obligations at home or work. And yet I feel like I am facing a mountain that cannot be climbed. I have been so overwhelmed. When I have the opportunity to work on one of the items on my "to-do" list, I can't prioritize anymore.

I know this is a temporary feeling. I will be able to get everything sorted out and get back on track with feeling like a normal person, instead of a stressed out nervous wreck.  I know if I can get back on track with going to the gym and eating healthier (damn you holiday season!) I will feel better. I just have to keep my chin up and not break down. Take it one day at a time, and all the other cliches.

After all, my horoscope today said: "you may have another week or two of dealing with some stress, but you will soon have relief."

I really hope this one is accurate!

Cryo-maturo machine

We were invited to a friend's house for dinner on Saturday night, along with a couple of other families. One, the lone man in our PT department, has 2 girls right around the ages of my 2 boys. Aidan and his 3 year old have become fast friends from the first time they met. When she comes to see him at work, she looks for Aidan.

Last night, he had an old cell phone and was "calling" people. First he call me, then he called Daddy. Then he called her. As he was talking to her, he was walking in circles around the coffee table. I wish I had taken a video, because I got a flash forward 10 years  moment. 

It is kinda sad to think of my baby being a teenager. Hell, I haven't even gotten over the fact that my oldest is in school. Let alone in second grade! I am running out of time to invent my cryogenically- freeze- them- before- they- reach- the- annoying- adolescent- know- it all- stage-, yet -still- allows- them- to- grow-, learn- and- mature- and- thaws- them- when- they- are- 30- machine. By my estimation I have 3-5 years tops to get the technology developed for that. 

I could probably make millions on that. Then I could retire.

Thievery at the Courthouse

So, I had Jury Duty this week. Had to go Tuesday for the mandatory "orientation" where they show a video and a judge comes and talks about the jury selection process. Then a list of 40 names were ready. Those 40 had to stay, the rest were free to go and just call that evening to find out about Wednesday. I was one of the 40... We went across to the courthouse and packed in a small room. We sat there for about an hour, and then the bailiff came in and said we could leave until 10:55. So we disperse, I go get a cup of coffee and a scone.  I return early, to get a comfy chair. At around 11:30 the bailiff comes in, and reads ten names, those ten people got to leave, however they still had to call in to find out about Wednesday.. I was one of the ten.

Why couldn't they have released those ten when they recessed?!? I had things to do, appointments to make. Oh. Well.

I didn't have to go on Wednesday, so I went to work. Nothing exciting happened there.

I did have to go today. In the cold, pouring down rain. Did I mention, jurors have to park about 3 blocks away from the courthouse? Luckily, I had a trusty umbrella in the car. I also remembered to bring a magazine.

I went through the security scanner, got comfy, pulled out my magazine and was reading about the different models of disability (I'm a nerd, I know). The potential jurors were separated into 2 groups. My group got to go to another room, where the seats were much nicer, although, since they were on wheels, I wouldn't recommend them to some of the people in my group!

We sit there for about an hour or so. Then the bailiff comes in, followed by the judge. The judge explains that the cases scheduled to start today had been cancelled, and thanked us for our service. Woohoo! Freedom!

Oh Shit! Where's my umbrella? I left it in the other jury room. So the bailiff, another person (who left his lunch there) and I make our way through the labyrinth of the courthouse back to the other room. Someone stole my umbrella! It was not there! The other man, said he remembered seeing it under the chair as we were leaving.

Really? You are there to serve on a jury, and you steal an umbrella? What if it had belonged to an old lady who had to wait for the bus in the rain? If you were stupid enough to not bring one of your own, that's your problem! Don't take it from someone else!

At least I can walk pretty fast, so I didn't get drenched.

If I say it, I have to do it

I am going to the gym tomorrow. I am going to the gym tomorrow. I AM going to the gym tomorrow.

There, I told the world I was going. If I don't go, I will have to admit it on tomorrow's edition. Then ya'll can tell me how good it is for me, how I will have more energy, feel better, blah, blah, blah...  

I know all of the standard benefits. And that's why I am going.

Candace

Perfection

It is so easy to look in the mirror and see only flaws. To see the 3 giant Mount McKinley sized zits on my  face, the nearly 20 pounds I have gained since I have had my second child, the gray beginning to show in my hair, the uneven smile, less than white teeth. I could go on. But that is not the point of this post.

The point is, I am learning how to look past the flaws. Some days are easier than others. Sunday, when I worked, one of my residents said "Candace, you have just a beautiful complexion." Of course, my response was some flippant remark about the wonder of cosmetics. Because, when I looked in the mirror that morning, all I saw was the almost topographic quality of my face. I absolutely hate being in my 30s and having acne. But you know, I may not have clear skin, but I DO have even skin tone and I don't have wrinkles.

Not only is it easy to see the flaws in oneself, it is easy to see them in other people, the government, the media, pretty much anything. And all this negativity creates a vicious circle.

I have struggled a good portion of my adult life with only focusing on the flaws, especially in myself. Then not being able to admit that I had flaws. I was bitter and angry. Let's face it, I was Queen Bitch. I didn't like myself, and that just made it worse. I honestly don't see how I had any friends during that period of my life. Then I met Ryan. And that will be a story for another day, as I don't want to get side tracked. Suffice it to say he was the turning point from constant bitchiness to occasional bitch.

I know that I have flaws, and that some I need to fix, others I can't. Not all my flaws are visible to others. I don't know why I feel the way I do sometimes. When I think about admitting something is wrong with me, health wise, emotionally, whatever, I freeze up. I feel like crying. Right now, I can feel the tears burning in my eyes. Because I know I am not perfect. I know no one expects me to be- except for me.

I feel like I should be able to be the best physical therapist assistant, making productivity every day, working miracles with my patients that have had Strokes, getting those with advanced dementia to follow instruction and retain the information I give them.

I feel like I should be able to work 40 hours a week, keep the house spotless, laundry folded and put away, have dinner on the table every evening. And then after all that is done, I should have energy to play with the kids, help Sean with his homework. And still have energy left for my husband.

Why? Because I am Candace. I should be perfect. I am Superwoman. I should be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

That's what I feel. I know differently. I know I am imperfect. I can not do everything and be everything to everyone. I know I can't work full time and do all the housework. I can't work miracles, I can only facilitate the healing and motor planning.

There is just a disconnect in what I feel and what I know.  I am learning to bridge the gap. I am learning ways of handling the stress that all these thoughts and feelings produce within me. I am learning to take the proverbial step back and deep breath...

Mmmmm... Coffee

Hi my name is Candace. I am addicted to coffee.

I love it. I love everything about it. The smell. The cream. The sugar. Added flavors. The texture as it floats over my tongue. I can drink it hot, cold, frozen, luke warm, room temperature. I don't care. It is ambrosia from the heavens to me. The only thing better than coffee, is coffee with doughnuts, or cheesecake (that was our first date after all)....

I can drink a cup before I leave for work, while I dry my hair and do my makeup. I fix another cup and head out the door. Usually, I only get a few sips before I am off and running. Well, getting my patients up and walking, anyways. My travel mug sits lonely at my workstation. When I walk by the office door, it all but calls to me to come and pick it up, and sip lovingly at its spout. Sigh, I must keep on schedule. Sometimes, I am able to finish it at lunch. Then I spend all afternoon wishing I had more. I drive home hoping that my husband has left a few ounces in the pot for me. No such luck today. I didn't even get my second cup. I finished my first after coming home today.

I like it brewed just about any way. We have an automatic drip and a French Press. Have you ever tried coffee made with a French Press? It is pretty darn tasty. I'm just too lazy some (read most) mornings to do it that way. Besides, the one we have is only a 2 cupper, and if I have 2 cups, then my husband has to make his own. I try to be nice and make it for him. But the process isn't really that difficult.

• You grind up a whole bunch of coffee beans to a coarse setting. Use about 2 heaping tablespoons per 8 oz of water.
• dump in the bottom of the press
• Heat up the water to an almost boil, then pour into the press.  One website recommends the water to be between 195-200 degrees
• Let steep for 4 minutes then slowly press the plunger down to press all the coffee grounds to the bottom.
• Pour coffee immediately into mugs or a carafe. If it stays in the press, it gets acidic and doesn't taste as good.
• prepare as you like and enjoy!

I highly recommend that you try it. With cheesecake. Or a doughnut. Or cookies (fresh baked, of course). Or cinnamon rolls (try the Pioneer Woman's recipe. Best. Ever.)

Now, maybe I will go make some decaf. Too late for the full brew stuff.

Candace

Who Am I?

I am a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a dog owner, a worrier... I am a lot of things. I enjoy music, dancing, talking, reading, photography, knitting, running, cooking, organizing. (I think I am a bit OCD with my organizing).

I want to be a better wife, mother, daughter and friend. I want to worry less and be less OCD. 

I want to have more energy to play with my kids. 

I have 2 sons, a husband, and 2 dogs. Sean is 7, Aidan, 3. My mom cursed me with the "I hope you have a child just like you" curse when I was growing up. That child is Aidan. Trust me, if Sean had my personality, he would be an only child! My husband is so patient and kind that it makes my heart weep. I don't know where I would be if he wasn't in my life. My dogs.... they are my "daughters"... I needed some female backup with all that testosterone in the house! Amaretto (Ammy for short) is a Cocker Spaniel. She never got full sized, so I say she is a miniature. Her twin is a Saint Bernard, Savannah. I say they are twins since they are the same age, but we don't know Savannah's exact birthday. 

I work as a physical therapist assistant in a nursing and rehabilitation center in Southern Oregon. I love my job, I love making a difference in the lives I touch there. I love the cankerous old men and the sweet little ladies. I love the stories they tell about their younger days, what they did for a living. We can learn so much from the elderly.

I am writing this blog to help me understand myself a little better. Hopefully it will be interesting and enjoyable. I have never blogged before, although there are several I enjoy reading on a regular basis, so this will be filled with a variety of topics from kids and dogs, to knitting, to whatever thoughts pop into my head (Like how did they get the air down to Sandy's dome in Spongebob). Yes I, a 31 year old woman, have wondered that.

Candace