Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Introspection

Since I've been writing this blog, I have been really focusing on me: my thoughts, feelings, beliefs. How I respond in social settings, at work, at home. My relationships and how they have evolved or devolved, depending.  My likes and dislikes. My habits. My goals and my plans.

I have noticed that when I start to fell anxious and stressed, I fidget. Then I go on a major cleaning binge. Knitting helps with the fidgeting in a productive way. As long as I can stay focused on the rhythmical click- click of the needles.  My anxiety has improved overall, I think. I have fewer days where I feel as if I am losing control. I've been taking Holy Basil, an herbal supplement to help with anxiety. If I forget to take it a few days in a row, I can feel the anxiety and stress building, and it takes a few days of consistency to bring it back down.

I know it is important to have an accurate perception of who/what I am. I'm still working on the accurate portion of that.

I am truly blessed with the family and friends that I have in my life. They understand me, my thoughts, fears, limitations. They love me despite it all.

This period of introspection has been beneficial to me, and hopefully those close to me that have to put up with all my moods on a regular basis. I am looking forward to seeing the results.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Vacation!!!!!!

I don't have to work for the next 9-10 days. WooHoo!!! I have realized, for the past 9 years or so, any vacation I took we either traveled to Ryan's family for the holidays, or traveled to see my family. As much I love traveling and our families, these definitely were not stress free vacations.

 The last vacation, we moved from Oklahoma to Oregon. We planned for plenty of time to drive. Good thing, since the wind in Kansas decided my Nissan was a vampire car and staked it with a ginormous tumbleweed. We were stuck for 2 days while I got a new radiator.

The vacation before that, we flew from Oklahoma to Oregon for Christmas. Sean was about 3 and I was preggers with Aidan. Of course, our return flight got screwed up, and the airline said we hadn't paid for our return flight and wouldn't let us board. We had already turned in our rental car. I spent close to 5 hours on the phone with the travel agency, airline, and anyone else that I thought could get the mess cleared up. We had paid for our tickets. They were round trip! Before we left Oklahoma, we were informed our return flights were rerouted, and apparently the airline agent in Oklahoma screwed up when she got us on the plane to Oregon. Trust me, I was one bitchy, hormonal pregnant woman.

Needless to say, I haven't really had good luck relaxing on vacations....

This time, we aren't travelling anywhere. I had originally wanted to go visit my mommy in Hawaii, but tickets were just too much right now for us. Maybe next year. So instead, I have a list of projects I would like to get done that I don't usually have time to do on the weekends.

We are also going to go on a real date. Kidless.... Thanks Kristen for wanting to steal my boys for the evening. We so love you for that.

I am also getting a massage. And maybe getting my hair cut...

Hopefully the weather will be nicer than it is forecasted. I would really like to take my kiddos to the park.

Of course, there are business type things I have to do. Like renew my PTA license so I can keep my job after the end of the month, pay the mortgage, so I have a place to live. But all in all, I plan on sleeping in, going to the gym, and relearning how to relax and be productive. Finding the balance.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Bleh

I really, honestly, truly thought I was doing better.

Maybe, today, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Got up too early. I don't know. But I am in a funk. And not one that I have been able to chase off in the last 10 hours or so.

Yesterday was such a great day! I got 8 hours in at work, no more, no less. Made productivity! Had enough energy to play with the kiddos, and watch a show with Ryan after he got home from work.

Today, I have had poor motivation to do much of anything. I had to force myself to get off the couch and clean up. I haven't even showered yet!

I've been irritable, snappish with the kids and Ryan. Chocolate doesn't even sound good.

Bleh.

Tomorrow will be better. If not, I may just hide in my room so I don't subject my family to more of my nonsense.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Changes

Change happens. No matter what we do, what choices we make, our lives will change. Sometimes, it is a gradual change. Others it is an abrupt change. Sometimes we opt for the change, sometimes, changes are forced upon us. Sometimes we are ready for a change, sometimes not so much.

Sometimes we want change, but are unable to make it happen. Sometimes it is willpower. Can I give up the comfortable rut that I am in and go embrace the unknown? Sometimes it is financial. Can I give up the materialistic lifestyle I enjoy and live simpler with less? Sometimes it is laziness. Do I get up an hour earlier in order to go to the gym? Sometimes we are just plain torn. Which option is the best?

People struggle with these and other choices all day. Some are obviously more minimal in impact. Do I order the cheeseburger or the mixed green salad?  Others can have life altering implications. Do I stay in a small town where there are not many opportunities or find a job in a bigger city?

We all have different thought processes and methods of making decisions. (I liked my ennie  meanie minny mo for test taking). We all have different morals and norms that we live by that influence our decisions.

I can tell you, one of the hardest decisions in my life was returning to school. I had a 2 year old for goodness sakes! But I knew I could not continue working retail and stay sane! I was lucky enough to have a husband that supported me through school. He agreed with me that I needed to quit my job and focus on my education, especially after having anxiety attacks when trying to work, study, be a mom and a wife, and then having a second child half way through!

And while it was a difficult decision, and there were many times I felt like it was too much. It was the best decision and effected many wonderful changes in my life. I have a great career where I get to help people become more independent. I have the ability to be a great role model and inspiration for my sons. I have a pretty steady schedule that doesn't fluctuate wildly so I am able to spend time with my family.

I have made some bad decisions. But I don't think I would go back and change them. After all, the choices I have made have brought me to where I am today. The choices I make today, will influence my tomorrow.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

So, what did YOU do this weekend?

I had a very busy, unexpectedly long weekend. I was very productive, but not as productive as my sister in law!

She had a baby. I got to help! Completely rocked! I got to be the cheerleader, the comedian, the shoulder to lean on.  I have never been on that side of the birthing process before.

This was a very special event. She had the baby in a hospital about 45 minutes away. It was the only place that would allow a VBAC. I was sooooo scared we wouldn't get there in time. Earlier in the week, I had a nightmare I had to pull over on the interstate and deliver the baby in the snow! Thank goodness that didn't happen.

We got there just in time. She was dilated 8-9 cm. Little Leo came at 12:09 am on March 2. He shares a birthday with Dr. Seuss. How  cool is that? He is just a little cutie!

Look at his perfect little lips!

There are no words adequate enough to describe how I feel about being invited to experience my nephew's debut. Honored, loved, trusted. Those don't even come close. The fact that I am the sister IN LAW, and was asked to help her... I mean, I didn't even have my sisters in the same state when I gave birth.... No offense to any of my brother in laws, I'm not sure I would ask any of their ladies to be in the room.... Of course, none of them are married yet... I digress

Leo and his favorite Auntie (okay, his only auntie...)

I left the hospital Friday night, so I could spend a little bit of time with my own kids. There is nothing like seeing someone enter the world to make you appreciate those you have brought in to it! And boy howdy, I missed them like crazy by Friday night. 

Saturday, Big Sister came over and played while Grandma picked up Sarah and Leo. Me and the kids all played hard. We colored, we cooked, we played with all sorts of toys! I don't know if my living room will ever be the same! 

Here is Big Sister giving Baby Brother a kiss.

Then today, I cleaned up Sarah's place so she wouldn't have to worry about it when she returned home. She is staying a few days with her folks so they can help out the with the kids.

So yea, I had a busy weekend. Wouldn't trade it for anything! In fact, I can't wait to get my hands on that little cutie again!

Thank you Sarah for letting me be a part of his entrance!