Slashing the Grocery Bill

This week, I've spent most of my non working hours looking at our finances. Trying to figure out how much our monthly bills are versus our income. The income portion is pretty tricky. Ryan pretty much works for the kids' school to pay for their tuition, so there is no money coming in there, but on the flip side, we only have to pay about $400 a year for both kids to attend private school. My hours can vary drastically based on our patient census at work. And lately, we have been on a definite upswing. 

We still haven't nailed down a specific plan for our spending, I just haven't been home long enough to sit down with Ry and get it figured out. But we've made good progress. We know what our basic monthly bills total up to. So now we just need to figure out the variable and "extra" expenses, gas for the car, groceries, Kung Fu, vet, etc. 

I know for a fact we were spending more on groceries than we really needed to. It's so easy to go grocery shopping and pick up all those extra snacks and quick fixes. And while I like knowing we have something easy to fix for dinner on Kung Fu nights, especially on days that I'm at work until 6:30 or later, I also like to know I'm feeding my family nutritious meals. 

Yesterday, after picking up a few hours of overtime, I sat down at the table, surrounded by several cookbooks. And I planned out the meals for the rest of January, three weeks worth of dinners. I used a menu planner I found online several years ago. I can't find the link anymore, but just do a Google search, and find one that works for you. One of the ways we are slashing our grocery bill is to stop wasting food. I plan for 1 night of leftovers each week, and I take left overs to work for lunch each day. Left over night is always on Wednesday, mostly because it is a Kung Fu night, and being in the middle of the week, I can rework the rest of the weeks dinners based on what is left after leftover night. 

 As I mentioned before, I like to have some quick and easy meal stuff on hand for those super busy nights, so I looked through a cook book I got from my Secret Santa a couple of years ago, Fix, Freeze, Feast       ( http://www.amazon.com/Fix-Freeze-Feast-Delicious-Money-Saving/dp/1603427260/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1389569521&sr=1-1&keywords=fix+freeze+and+feast ) and I planned 1 meal a week out of there. As I wrote out the meal plans, I also wrote on the back everything I would need for each meal. Whether I knew I had it on hand or not. I then "shopped" my cupboards, and marked off everything I already had on hand for the next 2 weeks. 

I went grocery shopping today. I live pretty close to several grocery stores here in town, Grocery Outlet, Walmart, Fred Meyer, and Albertson's. So before I left, I checked their ads online to get an idea of what was on sale where. I started at Grocery Outlet, generally, if they have what I'm looking for it's cheaper than Walmart by a few cents. They didn't have most of what was on my list, so I only spent  $18. 04. I then went to Walmart, where I spent the most-  $91.83. Fred Meyer was my last stop, and I spent $13 there. This totals to $122.87 for 2 weeks or $61.44 a week.This also includes my "extra" meals that I will be preparing for future weeks. So in reality, I probably got the weekly amount to close to $55 for a family of 4. I did pretty good at sticking to my list too. I bought some ALT bars at Grocery Outlet for $2.99 (to take to work for those extra long days where I didn't bring enough food) and 3 packages of canned fruit at Walmart for $1.88 each.

At this point in time, I'm still not 100% sure what our final grocery budget is going to be. I'm hoping as our family gets in the swing of eating what we have, I can also start cutting out all  or most of the the pre processed snacks. I plan to make a new item each week to replace the snacks. This week, istead of buying the Oatmeal to Go bars that I took for breakfast, I am going to make my own portable oatmeal bars. I've made them in the past and really enjoyed them. 

New Year's Resolutions

Several years ago, I made a resolution to not make resolutions. Why bother? It's not like I ever made any that I kept. I get too busy, too caught up in the day to day minutia of life to follow through. My resolutions always seemed to take time I didn't have to give.

And that was BEFORE I had kids. Now, all that time I didn't have? I wish I had that much time! Gosh to be 20 again, unattached, unencumbered. The only demand on my time was my work schedule....

Just kidding. I have absolutely no desire to be that naive and stupid again. That self centered and bitchy when things don't go exactly as I want them. That selfish.

No, thank you.

I enjoy being busy, even somewhat stressed. In fact, Last week, Ry said that being a manager was the perfect job for me. I would always have something to stress and complain about. Ha! Does he know me well, or what!

So this year, I'm going to work on getting all aspects of my life organized.

So my goals (not resolutions!), in no particular order, for 2014 are:

• To get financially back on track so I can provide a stable childhood for the boys.
• Declutter, find a place for everything, get rid of the excess
• Appreciate Sean and Aidan more, show them I love them
• Take more pictures
• Write more. Hopefully weekly posts, at least to start

2013 was a rough year emotionally. Too many loved ones lost, that I couldn't, and still can't write about. It had its good points though. All in all, I'm looking forward to a better 2014.

Oklahoma

Yesterday, at around noon pacific time, a co-worker asked me about living in Oklahoma, specifically dealing with tornadoes. I told her about storm shelters, sirens, wall clouds, watching funnels drop. Little did I know, shortly after our conversation, an F-5 would drop over the town my grandparents live and where my mom was staying as she helps care for my grandparents.

When I got home, and turned on the computer. My first though was "Holy Shit!" I knew better than to try to call, phone lines would be down, power out, cell phone towers damaged. So I did the next best thing-- Facebook.

Generally, I scoff at the dependence our society has on social media (yes, even though I check Facebook throughout the day...), but yesterday and today I was so glad to have it. I frantically scrolled through my news feed, looking for posts from my mom, cousins, and friends. Luckily, everyone is safe and accounted for.

At about 5 pm my time, my mom was able to send a text saying everyone was fine, albeit without power, phone or water.

I had a friend in the hospital after having a baby that was displaced to the Warren Theater when the sirens went off. Her family is safe. There are so many families out there that are still waiting to find loved ones, looking for a place to stay, food, water.

This afternoon (or evening in Oklahoma) my mom has reported the return of water, although just a trickle, and electricity. Much love to the utility workers in Moore, working hard to restore services. I have read reports of people parked on the sides of the roads, handing out bottled water and nonperishable foods.Rescue crews have promised to triple check every damaged building, looking for survivors.Many stores and organizations are opening their doors to displaced families and animals. So many groups are accepting donations to aid in the relief

• American Red Cross: $10 donations can be made by texting REDCROSS to 90999
• Salvation Army: $10 donations can be made by texting STORM to 80888
• Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma: $10 donations can be made by texting FOOD to 32333

I'm sure there are countless others, including the Humane Societies and animal shelters throughout the state that could use help with fostering, pet food, monetary donations, and donations of your time.

Update on Bullying

Last Sunday, Ryan and I sat down to figure out exactly what has been going on and when it happened. We don;t want Sean getting bullied, but we don't want the kid to get in trouble for the same incident twice. During our conversation on Sunday, Sean mentioned a few incidences, but when we asked him if they happened before or after his teacher and principal talked to the class, he said before. He didn't (or wouldn't?) tell us of any specific incident that happened since the discussion. So, Ryan and I decided to hold off on talking to the principal again.

Well, as fate would have it, Monday on our way to Kung Fu, Sean mentioned a couple of incidences that happened AFTER the class discussion.... And of course, I had to go into work Tuesday morning.I did go into his class room before work and spoke with his teacher. She is very proactive in these situations, unfortunately, she is not usually around when it happens with Sean, usually at recess time, which is her lunch break. She did speak with the older boys that agreed to keep an eye out on Sean during lunch break and have them check in on him several times throughout the day. She also said she would speak with the ring leader again, and let him know that it is not okay to ostracize someone, or to only chase after 1 kid while playing tag, or knock him out every time as soon as he gets in during a 4 square game. 

I honestly don't know if I am making things better or worse. When we ask Sean how school was, he doesn't answer right away. He seems to be skirting the question and giving half answers.

There are 3 more weeks of class. We are going to finish the year, and start next year. Hopefully over the summer, things will resolve. We are planning on having the kids that Sean was friends with before this other boy decided to convince them to ignore Sean over several times during the Summer.(Apparently  when the ring leader is not around, they play fine with Sean.)

I've been thinking a lot of homeschooling both boys, or moving to the public schools. Both have positives and negatives. Both boys need the social interaction that attending a school provides. Academically, both are thriving in the small classes. Aidan has been extremely difficult and combative with us, so homeschooling him could be a nightmare and do more harm than good at this point.... Sean says he wants to continue at the school he is in.

Bullies

There always seems to be a lot of talk about bullying. How to talk to your kids, how to recognize the signs, cyber bullies, etc... 

But....

What do you really do when your child tells you he is being bullied?

Your heart breaks. Of course, you hope for a peaceful resolution. You talk to him about it, trying to find out as many details as you can. Has it gotten physical? If so, how? Have you told a teacher/ principal? Did you tell the punk ass  other kid to stop? What did he do?

Then you talk to the teacher. Hopefully it gets nipped in the bud. 

But if it doesn't? If there is a momentary quiet, and just when you think, everything will be ok, you find out it is starting again?

Obviously, this is something that we are dealing with. Starting the end of last year, another boy in Sean's class (of 13) began socially isolating him. Telling Sean he can't play with him, starting a club and inviting all the other boys to join, but telling Sean he can't. Crap like that.

Fast forward to 3rd grade. It gets progressively worse. to the point that Sean's best friends won't play with him because this other boy doesn't want to play. Sean begins to think he is stupid and unlikable. He tells me this other boy shoved him at the play ground. He goes into the after care room at recess to play with his little brother since no one else will play with him.

Now, Ry and I have Sean in Kung Fu. We want him to be able to defend himself, to regain that self confidence he has lost since this has started. I spoke with his teacher (she doesn't have recess duty, and was unaware of most of the isolation and of the shove). 

That day, she gets the principal to come into the class and discuss bullying. They have a long discussion, and some of the older kids are invited in, 1 that was bullied and 1 that was the bully. Sean gets the chance to confront this other boy, and his former best friends, about how he feels.

And things are better.

Until they aren't.

The isolation is beginning again. A new boy starts school, and is "recruited" to the other boy's group. 

What do you do then? I mean, I know I need to let the teacher and principal know it is starting again.

But how do I heal the emotional distress of such a gentle soul?

This is a boy that hurts when he steps on a bug. That won't let me kill a spider in the house, instead, catches it in a jar and takes it outside.

How can I convince him he is smart, worth loving, worth having as a friend?

Part of why we chose a small private school for our children is the sense of community and family the school promotes. But if my son is being ostracized, and especially if it continues, am I doing him a disservice? I don't want to put him in a new school. He says he likes going to the school he is at. 

Post Migraine Cravings/Dreams

I had a migraine yesterday. At work. I was close to being finished with my patient list, and luckily I have an awesome co-worker, Kim, who said she would see my last patient. I took a Zomig as soon as I was able to get into my purse, and did my treatment notes and billing, like a good little PTA. Ryan came and picked me up, and his brother came with him to drive my car home. (Do I not have just the BEST family?)  When I got home, I promptly went to bed and slept. Upon waking, I felt somewhat better, still not my normal self, and kinda in a drug induced state. I popped another Zomig to help with the pain.

When I woke up this morning, I still was pretty lethargic, with some neck and jaw pain (mot typical with my migraines, but is listed as a common side effect of Zomig). Went to work and got through my day.

Since I woke up from my nap yesterday afternoon, I have been craving protein, salt and spicy food.  Protein kinda makes since to me, it's what the body uses to heal itself. Spicy, well, let's just say I always crave spicy food. The hotter the better... But Salt??? I never crave salt. I mean I rarely (if ever) add salt while cooking. Ryan knows if I'm cooking, he should probably bring the salt shaker to the table... Perhaps I'm craving it due to an electrolyte imbalance? Sodium, after all, helps with nerve impulse conduction.

Right now, I am sitting with a quesadilla filled with pepper jack cheese, turkey and  the salt shaker, sprinkling salt on every bite....

Does anyone else have cravings following a migraine, or am I just weird?

And since yesterday was my first time taking Zomig, I'm curious about weird dreams? Has anyone had weird, vivid dreams after taking it, or any other triptan family medicine? I had a dream that I was at work, with my kick ass co workers, but instead of being at work, we were at school. We were late to class. I looked at the class schedule and said "Don't worry. It's just Drama. If we dance down the hall and into class, the teacher will just think we were trying to make a dramatic entrance." So we all went dancing, leaping twirling down the hall and into a room...

And yes, we were all wearing tutus. Even the men I work with.

(Mostly) Finished Bathroom

My last post was all about what I wanted my bathroom to look like. See it here. Well, it's pretty close to my two week deadline, and we are just about there. Woo Hoo! I have an almost normal bedroom and bathroom back. Some before pictures in all their messy glory:

As you can see, we had the boring standard white walls, white cabinets, and builder's style mirror. We also had the yucky, tacky brass vanity lights, old yellow heat lamp cover. Disgusting, really.

Now here are some after pictures:

  

So, as you can see, we switched out the light switch and outlets and covers, changed out the light fixture, painted the heat lamp cover, replaced the shower curtain and rod, painted and added some art work.

We are still working on framing the mirror and deciding on some window treatment. We will also probably hang the pictures on the vanity top.

In the next year, we are planning on replacing the toilet, bath/shower combo, and tile the floor.

I also have some pictures of me looking smoking hot in my stripping (paint, you dirty minded people) and painting garb. You will probably see some when I write about how we done it.

Hope this inspires someone to update their boring old white bathroom!

Bathroom update

A couple of weeks ago, Ry and I decided it was time to update our bathroom. It was drab. It was dreary. It was downright dreadful. White walls, white cabinets, builder grade mirror, tacky brass vanity lighting, ugly overhead lighting. So, what did I do? I got on Pinterest, just like all the other DIYers out there.

I had an idea of the feel I wanted. Vintage Hollywood glamour mixed with more modern colors. This is what I fell in love with: http://pinterest.com/pin/202732420697973710/

Now, being a realistic (on occasion) woman, I knew there was no way we could afford this, nor do we have a large enough bathroom for it either. It's just not functional for this family of four.

But... I love it. The gray and plum with silver accents. It has the elegance that I want in my bathroom. I want a place to escape from mommyhood, where I can soak in a bubble bath with the lights on low for hours at a time (ok, maybe just 1 hour...).

So here's our plan. We are keeping the sink, faucet, and cabinets. The cabinets, trim, and any accent wood will be painted a dark gray, Behr's pencil point. The walls will be a lighter gray, Behr's dark pewter. We bought them in a matte finish, even though everyone reccomends semi gloss or gloss. I have plans of doing a gloss stencil in the dark pewter on the walls. Similar to this idea:
http://pinterest.com/pin/202732420698225138/

or this: http://pinterest.com/pin/202732420698225019/

We will replace the vanity lighting to a fixture with a satin nickel finish to match the faucet and other hardware we have. We are going to frame our mirror. I have purchased a plum shower curtain to bring in the purple. Hopefully next year we will replace the toilet, tub and floor. 

We have already started the process, and our bedroom looks like a war zone. Hopefully we can have this finished in another 2 weeks. Wish us luck!

Updates

It's been awhile... again. So much has been going on that it has been difficult to find time to think, let alone write down my thoughts.  So, here are some updates:

•  Sean is taking Kung Fu lessons, and is having a blast.He has a white belt and is working on his first stripe. Some times it is stressful for me. I have to work on the days he has his classes, and I am not always finished when I need to be, so I have to do my billing and documenting at home on those days. He (And Ry and Aidan) all had the flu for a week in February. So not fun. So of course he missed that week of lessons. Then the poor kiddo got an ear and sinus infection and missed another week... 
• Aidan..... I think he will get his own post soon. We are having some challenging behavior issues with that boy. Thank you Mom for cursing me with the "One day you will have a kid just like you" curse.  If I was anything like Aidan has been, I am surprised I lived to tell this tale.
• Work: We have some staffing changes the past few months, and I really miss my work twin Kristen. I hope she is having fun in Texas. We are going through a remodel at work where our Rehab gym moved. Trying to get the new gym organized was/is interesting, to say the least. We all have different thoughts and ideas on how it should be organized. Luckily we work well together...
• Home: I have spring fever. I have been cleaning, organizing and planning. I'm trying to figure out how to do an edible front yard that is functional, easy to get to, and attractive. No to mention, low cost. I am also planning a redo of our master bath. This will probably take a while to complete, as we are on a budget for this and want to replace the bathtub, toilet and tile the floor. So we are doing this in pieces. Right now, it mostly cosmetic changes: New paint, new shower curtain, and (hopefully soon) new light fixture. We are going to keep the existing sink and cabinet, but change the cabinet color. Look for a complete post, including my (p)inspiration for our new bathroom look. Coming soon.

So, now that life is kind of calming down, here is what you can look forward to from me while I travel through life:

• Master bath redo
• Aidan's behavior 
• Garden updates
• Health updates
• My general B.S. about whatever is on my mind.

Thanks for putting up with me!

Understanding and Acceptance

Like many parents, Friday night I hugged my kids a little tighter, a little longer. Thankful I had the opportunity  to do so. I regretted the previous week of arguing with Aidan,and letting the frustration win out.

The news of the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school is not easy to hear, to read, to think about. The children were just babies really- six and seven years old. Such a senseless catastrophe.

Is stricter gun control laws the answer? I don't know. Honestly, I am not a fan of guns. I know how to shoot a rifle. At least technically if not accurately... I could look up statistics on how many mass shooting there are in each country vs the strictness/ease of gaining firearms. I'm not going to do that.

Instead, I want everyone to think of how they treat their loved ones, class mates, students, coworkers, the checkers at the grocery store. Do we give them the respect they inherently deserve as humans? Or do we treat them as servants, lesser beings?

And think of your preconceived notions of mental illness. The stereotypes you hold. Do you think of am insane asylum? One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?  Personality disorders, depression, Schizophrenia... Let's start a discussion that will lead  to an understanding of the intricacies and variances of the human mind. Let's stop attaching a social stigma to these disorders. Let's allow people with mental illness to function in a society that understands and supports them. Please, let's help and offer support for family members and caregivers and provide them with the resources they need to keep their loved ones healthy.

Can you imagine the stress, the daily fear, of raising a child, knowing he/she has a "problem" and not knowing how to get help? Or fearing the answer if you ask for help?

catchin' up

School is in full force for the kiddos, has been for a while. i meant to post about Aidan's first day of school, but I didn't. I think we were in a rare (lately, anyways) busy period at work. He loves it. In fact, he is upset every might wen he asks if he has school tomorrow and we say 'no, it's the weekend.' (by the way, my shift key is only working occasionally today, so if something should be capitalized, and it's not, I apologize. It would drive me nuts!) the only problem we are having is his accidents. Sometimes, we will go all week without any, the next week, every friggin day!

Sean is in 3rd grade now, and loves it. He says it is harder than 2nd and he doesn't like that. His class is going on a field trip to a pumpkin patch on Thursday. he is pretty excited about that. I wish I could go too, but I have to work. We can't afford for me to take the time off right now.

work has been either crazy busy, or super slow. I would love just a straight 40 every week so I know we can pay bills. thank goodness Ry is working at the boy's school to pay for their tuition. otherwise, we would be S.O.L. and would have to pull them out of private school. not that I have anything against public school. I am a product of public schooling, and I think I did pretty damn well. I feel well rounded socially and intellectually. But the kids are really thriving at Brighton, and i would hate to pull them out.

In other news, i have discovered pinterest. A bit later than most. i was resistant. But now i am completely addicted! I am blaming Brittany for my new addiction.

Also, my Grandma celebrated her 88th birthday this weekend. I would post a picture, but I can't figure out how to get a picture from facebook to my blog. Last time, it was easy, but something has changed.... Anyway. She is in oklahoma, and I miss the heck out of her. happy Birthday Grandma!

oh, and i got contacts again! It's funny. My older sister wanted glasses so bad she lied on a vision test and then had to go through weeks of treatment for lazy eye (i think it was lazy eye. i was little). and I wish my eyes were bad enough for lasik surgery.

and me and the boys made chocolate chip cookies and enchiladas today.

next time , I will be more focused with my topic. Thanks for reading my randomness today.

Belly Flops?

Aidan: Mommy, what are you wearing on your feet?
Me: Shoes
Aidan: What are they called?
Me: Ballet flats
Aidan: Belly Flops?
Me: They are called Ballet flats
Aidan: You have belly flops on your feet? That's so funny!

True story.

Choices

How do you know if you have made the right decision? Do you ever wonder "What would my life be like if I had done ______ instead?" Would you change any of the choices you have made? Even if it meant your life would be completely different? Maybe better, maybe worse?

I do. I wonder those things. Knowing what I now know, I wouldn't change. But I would like to think I would've handle some of the choices better. Said or done things nicer. Instead of striking out at those I cared about in defense, I would like to think I would listen with an open mind.

I tend to be a worrier. Thinking of the cause and effect of every little, minuscule detail. Over-analyzing until I am too afraid to make a choice. The bigger the decision, the more I worry.  Hell, I have been known to talk myself out of posting something on Facebook, or on here, because I am afraid of how someone might interpret it. And this is supposed to be a place where I can write, uncensored. Just for me. Maybe someone else will read it, gain some insight from my thoughts and feelings. Maybe someone dealing with anxiety and depression will see they are not alone. And yet, I make the choice to not post on some things that are dear to me, important to my ideology, because of fear that someone may react negatively.

Now would be a great time for me to say "Fuck that. I will write whatever I want to write." But I can't. Even writing the word fuck makes me nervous that I will offend someone. That's a choice I make. To think about what I am going to post. To weigh the potential reactions of the people I know that read this tripe. So I stay away from certain topics, even though I feel strongly about them, and believe they are important on a national level. I don't want to cause any ripples, let alone waves.

This is supposed to be a place where I can explore my thoughts, feelings. Unload my doubts and fears. A place where I can discover just who the hell I am. What makes me, well, me. I have forgotten that over the past couple of months. I have let myself get too wrapped up in the endless minutia.

Perfect example: I was at friend's house Friday evening. We were on her deck, drinking margaritas and eating strawberry shortcakes. These were the best damn strawberries I have had. She got them at a little farm stand in town. I mentioned that I may stop by and pick some up over the next couple of days. She recommended that we take the boys to the farm over the weekend, and let them pick their own. My reply was that I had too many things to do over the weekend to do that. Her response: "Looking back in 20 years, what are you going to remember? Taking care of the household chores, or watching your boys pick berries?"

And that is why she is one of my best friends.

In 20 years, I want to remember being a good mom, taking the time to go pick berries, to wrestle, to snuggle up and read stories. I want my children to remember me as being a fun, cool mom. (Or whatever terminology that will mean the same thing). I know we will probably go through the "I hate my parents" stage before we can get to the "My mom is the best" stage, but I want to make the choices that will get us there.

I want to write more, love more, learn more. This what I choose to do.

Randomness

Yesterday, my baby turned four. How the Heck did that happen? How is he old enough to start Pre-K in September? Just not possible. He's only 2 right?!?

Relay for Life was an exhausting blast! Pictures and details to come after I have recovered. Sean walked 6.5 miles, Aidan did 4.

I owe a co-worker homemade cinnamon rolls and a turtle cheesecake because the Thunder didn't beat the Heat. Still love my Thunder though... (Can take the girl outta Oklahoma, but not the Oklahoma out of the girl)

Speaking of Oklahoma, I am continually amazed at the number of people I have met in Oregon that are either from Oklahoma or have family in Oklahoma. I mean really! I met a family member of a resident who grew up in Pauls Valley!

Coffee can save lives. Chocolate can bring about World Peace. ( I have a theory on this, if only the military would listen!)

Respect is not earned, it is lost

Aidan is 4! I am still befuddled by this fact

Why I relay

Most people have heard of the American Cancer Society. Most people know of Relay for Life. I relay. Do you?

I relay for my aunts, both of whom have had cancer. One twice. One put up a brave fight, but was unable to defeat it. I relay for my mom. Not only has she been there for both of her sisters, she was there herself. I relay for my grandparents. Nobody should have to watch any of their children go through that, let alone all three of them. I relay for my sisters and myself. I relay for my children, in hope that they will never have to hear that diagnosis. I relay for my patients.

I relay in hope that one day, cancer will not be devastating. That hearing the word will not send people into a state of shock, grief. That if you are told you have cancer, there is a 100% survival rate.

 I relay because cancer sucks. Period. It sucks to have it. It sucks to hear a loved one has it. It sucks to have to stay strong when all you want to do is fall apart, even if just for a moment. It sucks to have to make the decision on when to stop treatment. It sucks to hear the treatment has been ineffective.

I don't want anyone to have to go through that.


This year, I am a co-captain for my team. If you feel strongly that cancer sucks, you can donate to my team's fundraising goal at: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12GW?pg=team&fr_id=38351&team_id=1202585,
or to my individual goal at: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12National?px=29272192&pg=personal&fr_id=38351

Thank you.

On Motherhood

I feel as if I should have some sort of profound revelation on being a mother. How it has changed me, made me a better person, etc. I don't. 

Yes, it has changed me. I drive slower, I don't drink as much, I go to bed earlier. I think a little differently too. I am more mature and responsible than I was 8 years and a few months ago. But I am me. I am not only Sean and Aidan's mom. I am a distinct individual. 

It took me several years and a lot of guilt to come to the realization that I can be Sean's mom, Aidan's mom, and still be my own person. I think that is important. 

As far as being a better person.... The jury is still out. I can be selfish, self involved. I get cranky easily.

Motherhood has different definitions and rules to each woman. The decisions I make as a mother are not the same decisions my mother made. Granted, they may be similar in some respects.  Does that mean my decisions are wrong or my mother's were? No. We are different women, with different children. And that is perfectly fine. As long as neither of us violate any laws. 

I have good, positive role models for being a mother. My mom taught me that I am never too old to improve myself, to continue my education.  My step mother showed me that I can overcome any obstacle in my path. My mother in law, although we haven't always seen eye to eye, has helped me learn to accept what I cannot change. I may not always follow their lead, but the lessons are there, and will be there for me. 

Being a mother is so much more than what I expected. It is so much more rewarding.

Contentment

Wow. I have been feeling so good lately. No major mood swings, no complete and utter exhaustion (tired still yes, but not exhausted). I haven't been feeling super stressed and overwhelmed. Happy. I think I have actually been happy.  I don't mean happy like "Oh, I just a really awesome pair of shoes happy," but the type of happy where you feel all is right in the world.

I haven't felt like that in years. That's pretty sad, don't you think? I mean I've been happy, nothing major going wrong, everything moving in the right direction as a whole. But I haven't been at peace. Writing that makes me feel sad.

I mean, why should I go through years, just going forward. I am young still. I should embrace my life with abandonment? Not quite the right word, but close enough. I should feel content more than not.  And I haven't been.

I have a lot to be happy about, my kids are healthy, I have a good job, good friends, wonder family, the best husband. So why haven't I been feeling it?

My hypothesis, and it is only a hypothesis, is my hormone have been out of whack (a truly technical description) since I had Aidan. And no, I am not blaming him for any of my thoughts or feelings. I'm about to get a bit personal here, so if you don't wanna hear it, then stop reading now.

Here's how I came to that thought: My cycles have not been regular since I had Aidan. And I could set my watch by them before. I know I have always had mood swings, but I have gone to the extremes since giving birth. My internal thermometer has not been working right, in fact I wake up sweating, while Ryan has his head buried under the blankets. (Some of the old ladies at work, keep asking if I am old enough to go through "the change").  There are some other, more personal items, I will not discuss here.

I go see my Women's health doctor Friday for a follow up. I am apprehensive, but hopeful she can help me find the answers. On the plus side, I am still content.

Homesick for weather?

For a moment I was transported back to Oklahoma. It's April, low 80s, and a thunderstorm rolling in. I literally watched the clouds form, and the sky go from brilliant blue to gray. The wind whipping the trees, leaves swirling in a cyclone. The rain beating against the windows, the lights flickering as the thunder booms and lightening flashes. Oh, Oklahoma! How I miss your turbulence.

It was over in less than 30 minutes. The bring Candace back to reality. In Oklahoma, it could go on for hours. I could stop anything, and watch the storm for hours (secretly hoping to spot a wall cloud). Not in Oregon. There are not enough thunderstorms here. There just aren't. I don't care what you say, the beauty of the storm is the violence, the unpredictably. The house shaking, the sky darkening the brilliant white of a nearby lightening strike. Mother nature with all her fury and vengeance.

Storms in Oregon are predictable. Steady rain, gray sky, cold air.  Maybe it's just my contrary nature, but I thrive on routine, but love the unpredictable.

I hope it storms again.

One year

It's hard to believe that just over a year ago, we loaded a Penske truck and began our journey back to Oregon. We left Oklahoma on April 2, and it was in 80s.... We drove through wind gusts in Kansas that topped 70 MPH, and thought my little Nissan was a vampire, and needed to be stacked with a tumbleweed the size of a Saint Bernard (we spent an extra 2 days in Kansas, getting a new radiator). We drove through snow in Colorado, across Salt Plains in Utah, and down steep mountainsides with no guardrails with a 1000 ft drop (did I mention how curvy that road was?). We arrived in Oregon to freezing temperatures and snow April 8, 2011.

Not necessarily a pleasant trip, but no unpleasant either. We saw some beautiful scenery, although I really wish we could've afforded to stop and take more time.

I started work April 18. And met some wonderful people, coworkers and patients, that have influenced my life for the better. I honestly don't know if I could've made it through everything if not for them.

There has definitely been tons of stress: the move itself, staying with the in-laws for a few months, buying a house, moving (again) into our new house, starting a new job, adjusting to continually changing Medicare regulations, getting the kids settled and into a routine (yea, we are still working on that one...). Now that a year has gone by, hopefully, most of these adjustments are in the final stages.

I get homesick for Oklahoma sometimes, but that will probably always be the case. I miss my family. I worry about my grandparents. I miss the wide open space. I don't miss the blistering cold and ice of the winter or the sweltering heat of the summer.

I love the mountain view out of my front and back doors. The more temperate seasons are a bonus as well. Spending a summer day rafting down the Rogue. Being able to go get a gallon of milk AND return home within 30 minutes (instead of just arriving at the store) sure is nice as well. Sean goes to a good school where he has really blossomed.

It is amazing that so much has changed in such a short period of time.

Spring

I love Spring. It's probably one of my favorite times of year. And to satisfy my need to make a list, in no particular order, here is why:

1. blowing bubbles
2. weeding
3. mowing
4. sidewalk chalk
5. dog walking
6. visits to the parks
7. gardening
8. yard sales
9. barbecues
10. sandals

Yup. I love Spring