Relaxed

I am enjoying a nice evening of knitting with Sean, and listening to Ryan and his brother play music and sing. Very relaxing. Aidan is sleeping off what ever bug he got during the week on the couch. Savannah is at Ryan's feet, occasionally rolling onto her back and grunting, hoping for a belly rub. Ammy is curled up in Savannah's crate. Now this is what I need.

We had a nice dinner that Ryan and I cooked together, good beer, and good conversation as a family. I have really missed eating dinner as a family. One of the downfalls of Ryan working evenings right now.

But seriously. I am tired, but not stressed or anxious. The only question I have right now is, what should my next knitting project be???

Temptation

Temptation is everywhere! I swear, I decide to start eating better, and what is on every endcap in the grocery store? Junk food, candy, soda. I bring a turkey and cheese on whole wheat with spinach on it, and what magically appears at work? Cookies, doughnuts! I mean really! 

I have got to learn self control. I cannot keep eating like this. I now weigh close to what I weighed when I was nine months pregnant with my second child! My scrubs are starting to get tight. And that, my friends, is never a good sign. 

Now that I feel more on an even keel emotionally, I should be able to return to the gym and eat healthier. I want to have more energy without having to stay caffeinated all day. I want to set a good example for my kids. So, by golly, I will do it. 

So please, someone eat all those doughnuts at work, so when I go in tomorrow, I won't be so tempted!

The End of and Era

I went to high school at Amherst Regional High School in Amherst, MA. I am very proud to say that I studied Russian for four years under Jude Wobst. I originally decided on Russian because it was NOT the language my older sister was taking. But because of that juvenile reason, I had many positive experiences.

We competed in the annual ACTR  Olympiad event in Cambridge, MA. It is a spoken Russian competition. I earned many accolades from my ability to speak Russian, know her geography and her culture. I was lucky enough to be able to participate in a foreign exchange trip with a school in Petrozavodsk. I spent almost 4 weeks completely immersed in daily life- going to school shopping, trips to museums. By the time I left, my dreams were in Russian.

Last night I learned that ARHS was ending its Russian Language program. To me, and many others, this is disastrous news. Over the many years that the Russian program has been around, it earned a reputation for being one of the leading public school programs for the language. College professors of Russian all around the country knew of our tiny program. We had achieved national and international success.

Several of the programs graduates went on to study Russian and Russian Area Studies. They work in a variety of fields, many would not be where they are today without the experiences they had while studying under Jude.

Today, it was bittersweet as I went to my son's school and talked to his classmates about the Russian Language and taught them how to write their names.

 I wonder how many lives have been influenced by the program that is being ended next month, or could have been influenced?

So to Jude, Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for believing so passionately about the importance of learning the history, culture, and language of such a beautiful place. Thank you for allowing me to have all the opportunities that I would have missed. 

Snarfles are Good

I am having the hardest time staying positive right now. It seems like all the shit is hitting the fan right now. Mostly at work, and I won't go into details, because that would violate my own personal code of ethics. But other small things, just keep piling up, and I feel like I am barely able to keep a step ahead of the avalanche.

I am not having a mental break down, despite all the recent posts on stress, anxiety and depression. This has really just been my sounding board for dealing with the areas of my life I feel inadequate in handling. It has been wonderful getting the support and encouraging comments here.

This has just been a rough, stressful couple of months. Usually, there are only a few days in row like this...

I am going to make a list of the positives in my life now:

1. I have wonderful husband (He had the house clean when I got home)
2. My children are healthy and happy
3. My family loves me (and puts up with my moods)
4. I have a job
5. I have a social life
6. I have friends that are true friends
7. We can pay our bills
8. We own our house, and are not in danger of losing it
9. I am healthy
10. When I was crying earlier, Savannah came and put her ginormous head on my lap, then snarfled me (a snarfle is when a giant dog puts his/her nose against you then sniffs in and makes a noise that sounds like a snarf)
11. My kids are laughing instead of getting their PJs on...

Now, I feel a bit better. However, it really is bed time now, and we still need to read a story...

List Maker List Maker make me a list

I am a list maker. I have note books full of lists. I enjoy the sense of accomplishment that comes with scratching out an entry. I have a grocery list, a things to do, a honey-do, fun summer time stuff, house projects, craft projects, goals.... I do not feel fulfilled if I have not made at least one list a day.

I know it is a bit obsessive, compulsive. I can't help it. I have tried to stop writing lists. The longest I have lasted is 2 weeks. 

Sometimes, I make a list of things I really need to do, but don't want to do. Making doctors appointments, cleaning the toilets, scooping poop. Those sort of things go there. Sometimes, my lists are of things I do routinely. Balancing the checkbook, paying bills, grocery shopping. Those are for the days I really want to feel like I got something accomplished!

I need to feel somewhat organized. My life in general right now is in complete disarray. (No, we are not having problems...) It helps me prioritize, manage the time I do have away from work better.  I don't think list making is a bad thing. I can even make lists on my phone, there's an app for that! (Several actually.) I have not found a good free one that does everything I want. Maybe I should learn how to develop one.... hmm... Think of the list I would make for learning that!

Inspiration

We pulled into the hotel parking lot after a grueling drive through the mountains on roads with hairpin curves and no guardrails, right next to drop off into a river at around 8 pm on Friday night. We were all exhausted, and excited. The boys kept asking if we were at the beach yet. We got checked in, and took our stuff to our room. Our room had a private balcony, and though it was pitch black, I knew it would have a gorgeous view of the ocean.

We walked down to the beach, yes, in the dark. It was gorgeous. The kids were in awe. I tried to take some pictures, but my night setting on my digital does not work so hot, as this is what I got:

The spots are moisture droplets.At least, that is what I think they are. There are no spots on my lens.

Over the next 2 days, I watched the waves, played with the kids, and had real conversations with my husband. I became more relaxed than I have been in over a year. With a view like that though, how can you not become relaxed?

As each wave would roll in with such violence that you could feel it shaking the sand, and then gently ebb back out to sea, I felt the tension ease away.

I mean, we really could not have asked for a more perfect weekend to go to the coast. Sunny, in the 60s, just a light breeze. And this is February! Normally, in July, I feel like I need a coat on the Oregon Coast!

And then there were the sunsets...

Ok, so both of these were of the same sunset, just with different settings. But still, I think that was the first time I actually saw the sun set over the Pacific.

This past weekend gave me so many inspirations. Not just to start taking pictures again (although I have decided to start saving for a DSLR). I am going to take the time to get to know my family again, make the time for me. I want to see more sunsets, feel more relaxed, and smile more. I am going to let my creativity shine more, write more regularly, take more pictures, dance more. 

Escape

I am making an escape this weekend. We are getting out of town, and we are going to enjoy ourselves! The ocean is calling my name right now.

I am feeling more and more like myself this week. Got a lot off my chest, out of my mind. Now I just need to take some time from everything! No house work this weekend. Laundry can wait. Just have to pack up a few days worth of clothes, toiletries and the camera.

Life can resume Sunday evening.