catchin' up

School is in full force for the kiddos, has been for a while. i meant to post about Aidan's first day of school, but I didn't. I think we were in a rare (lately, anyways) busy period at work. He loves it. In fact, he is upset every might wen he asks if he has school tomorrow and we say 'no, it's the weekend.' (by the way, my shift key is only working occasionally today, so if something should be capitalized, and it's not, I apologize. It would drive me nuts!) the only problem we are having is his accidents. Sometimes, we will go all week without any, the next week, every friggin day!

Sean is in 3rd grade now, and loves it. He says it is harder than 2nd and he doesn't like that. His class is going on a field trip to a pumpkin patch on Thursday. he is pretty excited about that. I wish I could go too, but I have to work. We can't afford for me to take the time off right now.

work has been either crazy busy, or super slow. I would love just a straight 40 every week so I know we can pay bills. thank goodness Ry is working at the boy's school to pay for their tuition. otherwise, we would be S.O.L. and would have to pull them out of private school. not that I have anything against public school. I am a product of public schooling, and I think I did pretty damn well. I feel well rounded socially and intellectually. But the kids are really thriving at Brighton, and i would hate to pull them out.

In other news, i have discovered pinterest. A bit later than most. i was resistant. But now i am completely addicted! I am blaming Brittany for my new addiction.

Also, my Grandma celebrated her 88th birthday this weekend. I would post a picture, but I can't figure out how to get a picture from facebook to my blog. Last time, it was easy, but something has changed.... Anyway. She is in oklahoma, and I miss the heck out of her. happy Birthday Grandma!

oh, and i got contacts again! It's funny. My older sister wanted glasses so bad she lied on a vision test and then had to go through weeks of treatment for lazy eye (i think it was lazy eye. i was little). and I wish my eyes were bad enough for lasik surgery.

and me and the boys made chocolate chip cookies and enchiladas today.

next time , I will be more focused with my topic. Thanks for reading my randomness today.

Belly Flops?

Aidan: Mommy, what are you wearing on your feet?
Me: Shoes
Aidan: What are they called?
Me: Ballet flats
Aidan: Belly Flops?
Me: They are called Ballet flats
Aidan: You have belly flops on your feet? That's so funny!

True story.

Choices

How do you know if you have made the right decision? Do you ever wonder "What would my life be like if I had done ______ instead?" Would you change any of the choices you have made? Even if it meant your life would be completely different? Maybe better, maybe worse?

I do. I wonder those things. Knowing what I now know, I wouldn't change. But I would like to think I would've handle some of the choices better. Said or done things nicer. Instead of striking out at those I cared about in defense, I would like to think I would listen with an open mind.

I tend to be a worrier. Thinking of the cause and effect of every little, minuscule detail. Over-analyzing until I am too afraid to make a choice. The bigger the decision, the more I worry.  Hell, I have been known to talk myself out of posting something on Facebook, or on here, because I am afraid of how someone might interpret it. And this is supposed to be a place where I can write, uncensored. Just for me. Maybe someone else will read it, gain some insight from my thoughts and feelings. Maybe someone dealing with anxiety and depression will see they are not alone. And yet, I make the choice to not post on some things that are dear to me, important to my ideology, because of fear that someone may react negatively.

Now would be a great time for me to say "Fuck that. I will write whatever I want to write." But I can't. Even writing the word fuck makes me nervous that I will offend someone. That's a choice I make. To think about what I am going to post. To weigh the potential reactions of the people I know that read this tripe. So I stay away from certain topics, even though I feel strongly about them, and believe they are important on a national level. I don't want to cause any ripples, let alone waves.

This is supposed to be a place where I can explore my thoughts, feelings. Unload my doubts and fears. A place where I can discover just who the hell I am. What makes me, well, me. I have forgotten that over the past couple of months. I have let myself get too wrapped up in the endless minutia.

Perfect example: I was at friend's house Friday evening. We were on her deck, drinking margaritas and eating strawberry shortcakes. These were the best damn strawberries I have had. She got them at a little farm stand in town. I mentioned that I may stop by and pick some up over the next couple of days. She recommended that we take the boys to the farm over the weekend, and let them pick their own. My reply was that I had too many things to do over the weekend to do that. Her response: "Looking back in 20 years, what are you going to remember? Taking care of the household chores, or watching your boys pick berries?"

And that is why she is one of my best friends.

In 20 years, I want to remember being a good mom, taking the time to go pick berries, to wrestle, to snuggle up and read stories. I want my children to remember me as being a fun, cool mom. (Or whatever terminology that will mean the same thing). I know we will probably go through the "I hate my parents" stage before we can get to the "My mom is the best" stage, but I want to make the choices that will get us there.

I want to write more, love more, learn more. This what I choose to do.

Randomness

Yesterday, my baby turned four. How the Heck did that happen? How is he old enough to start Pre-K in September? Just not possible. He's only 2 right?!?

Relay for Life was an exhausting blast! Pictures and details to come after I have recovered. Sean walked 6.5 miles, Aidan did 4.

I owe a co-worker homemade cinnamon rolls and a turtle cheesecake because the Thunder didn't beat the Heat. Still love my Thunder though... (Can take the girl outta Oklahoma, but not the Oklahoma out of the girl)

Speaking of Oklahoma, I am continually amazed at the number of people I have met in Oregon that are either from Oklahoma or have family in Oklahoma. I mean really! I met a family member of a resident who grew up in Pauls Valley!

Coffee can save lives. Chocolate can bring about World Peace. ( I have a theory on this, if only the military would listen!)

Respect is not earned, it is lost

Aidan is 4! I am still befuddled by this fact

Why I relay

Most people have heard of the American Cancer Society. Most people know of Relay for Life. I relay. Do you?

I relay for my aunts, both of whom have had cancer. One twice. One put up a brave fight, but was unable to defeat it. I relay for my mom. Not only has she been there for both of her sisters, she was there herself. I relay for my grandparents. Nobody should have to watch any of their children go through that, let alone all three of them. I relay for my sisters and myself. I relay for my children, in hope that they will never have to hear that diagnosis. I relay for my patients.

I relay in hope that one day, cancer will not be devastating. That hearing the word will not send people into a state of shock, grief. That if you are told you have cancer, there is a 100% survival rate.

 I relay because cancer sucks. Period. It sucks to have it. It sucks to hear a loved one has it. It sucks to have to stay strong when all you want to do is fall apart, even if just for a moment. It sucks to have to make the decision on when to stop treatment. It sucks to hear the treatment has been ineffective.

I don't want anyone to have to go through that.


This year, I am a co-captain for my team. If you feel strongly that cancer sucks, you can donate to my team's fundraising goal at: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12GW?pg=team&fr_id=38351&team_id=1202585,
or to my individual goal at: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12National?px=29272192&pg=personal&fr_id=38351

Thank you.

On Motherhood

I feel as if I should have some sort of profound revelation on being a mother. How it has changed me, made me a better person, etc. I don't. 

Yes, it has changed me. I drive slower, I don't drink as much, I go to bed earlier. I think a little differently too. I am more mature and responsible than I was 8 years and a few months ago. But I am me. I am not only Sean and Aidan's mom. I am a distinct individual. 

It took me several years and a lot of guilt to come to the realization that I can be Sean's mom, Aidan's mom, and still be my own person. I think that is important. 

As far as being a better person.... The jury is still out. I can be selfish, self involved. I get cranky easily.

Motherhood has different definitions and rules to each woman. The decisions I make as a mother are not the same decisions my mother made. Granted, they may be similar in some respects.  Does that mean my decisions are wrong or my mother's were? No. We are different women, with different children. And that is perfectly fine. As long as neither of us violate any laws. 

I have good, positive role models for being a mother. My mom taught me that I am never too old to improve myself, to continue my education.  My step mother showed me that I can overcome any obstacle in my path. My mother in law, although we haven't always seen eye to eye, has helped me learn to accept what I cannot change. I may not always follow their lead, but the lessons are there, and will be there for me. 

Being a mother is so much more than what I expected. It is so much more rewarding.

Contentment

Wow. I have been feeling so good lately. No major mood swings, no complete and utter exhaustion (tired still yes, but not exhausted). I haven't been feeling super stressed and overwhelmed. Happy. I think I have actually been happy.  I don't mean happy like "Oh, I just a really awesome pair of shoes happy," but the type of happy where you feel all is right in the world.

I haven't felt like that in years. That's pretty sad, don't you think? I mean I've been happy, nothing major going wrong, everything moving in the right direction as a whole. But I haven't been at peace. Writing that makes me feel sad.

I mean, why should I go through years, just going forward. I am young still. I should embrace my life with abandonment? Not quite the right word, but close enough. I should feel content more than not.  And I haven't been.

I have a lot to be happy about, my kids are healthy, I have a good job, good friends, wonder family, the best husband. So why haven't I been feeling it?

My hypothesis, and it is only a hypothesis, is my hormone have been out of whack (a truly technical description) since I had Aidan. And no, I am not blaming him for any of my thoughts or feelings. I'm about to get a bit personal here, so if you don't wanna hear it, then stop reading now.

Here's how I came to that thought: My cycles have not been regular since I had Aidan. And I could set my watch by them before. I know I have always had mood swings, but I have gone to the extremes since giving birth. My internal thermometer has not been working right, in fact I wake up sweating, while Ryan has his head buried under the blankets. (Some of the old ladies at work, keep asking if I am old enough to go through "the change").  There are some other, more personal items, I will not discuss here.

I go see my Women's health doctor Friday for a follow up. I am apprehensive, but hopeful she can help me find the answers. On the plus side, I am still content.