The Internet is a Dangerous Place For Me

Anxiety can be a bitch. While I have not be officially diagnosed with any of the anxiety disorders, I know I have issues with it. And it tends to come in waves... Right now, I am on a slow uphill climb. Sometimes, it takes months for me to really get a handle on it, others, just a few days.

I have been doing some online research on anxiety to help understand it better. Because that's the way I am. I have to learn about it, think it through, then hopefully I am able to put a plan into action. According to the Mayo Clinic, the symptoms of anxiety are as follows:

• Feeling apprehensive (yup)
• Feeling powerless (yup)
• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom (occasionally, more so than usual)
• Having an increased heart rate (sometimes I can feel it racing)
• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation) (not really)
• Sweating (All the friggin time!)
• Trembling (ehh... not usually)
• Feeling weak or fatigued (Every day, from the moment I wake up, to the time I go to bed)

So, after reading that I hopped on over to MedlinePlus. There I found a self assessment tool. And this is what it said:

"The self assessment tool indicates the presence of the symptoms of Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It is recommended that you contact a doctor or mental health professional."

This is why I am dangerous on the internet... I take these self assessment tests, then run rampant.

I have had panic attacks. The whole elephant on my chest, can't breath, dizzy, nauseous, tingling in the fingers and toes, blurry vision type of deal is no fun at all. In fact is one of the scariest experiences I have ever had. Especially when it happens as you are driving down a country road by yourself at 2 a.m. Or when you are at WalMart. Oh yeah. Been there, done that. Thankfully, that hasn't happened in about 4 years. (Although I almost had one before going to a recent doctor's appointment)

There are a variety of anxiety disorders out there. And really, I think at times, most people have some difficulty in managing the stresses in their life. Most people are able to work through it, and move on. My problem is that while I know I am worrying, and stressing out about mostly inconsequential things, I can't stop it. I am like a damn chihuahua. Nipping at the smallest inkling that something may not go as I planned, worrying at it until it explodes and instead of it being a minor inconvenience, it turns into something I can't work around or through. Then it just sits there festering....

I know there are some really good pharmaceuticals out there that can help. And there are some common sense changes that can help as well:

• exercises regularly
• avoid alcohol or other sedatives
• eat healthy foods
• sleep
• relax
• quit smoking
• avoid/limit caffeine

Hard to exercises when you are so pooped, you can hardly get out of bed in the morning. I don't drink alcohol often, an occasional beer or glass of wine with the girls from work or out at dinner with the husband. I try to eat healthfully, but let's face it. I am a sugar junkie. Sleep? Either that is all I do, or I can not, no matter what I try, fall asleep and stay asleep. Relax? We are talking anxiety here, right? Don't smoke. I don't know about the last one. I do so love my coffee. And my Dr. Pepper.

I know those are really just a bunch of excuses. Especially on the exercise, eating better and limiting caffeine ones. I know that studies support that exercise can have positive outcomes with people with depression and anxiety, I have read the reports. I truly believe it too. I tell my patients almost daily, how important physical activity is for overall well being. But sometimes, this knowledge just adds more stress and guilt to my lack of desire to make these simple, important lifestyle changes.

Lucky

This is the first time my boys met. Gotta love that smile.

This is about a year later...

This is about a year ago...                                          

I am so lucky my kids love each other.

Motivation

I wonder if I use up all my motivation at work, motivating others to do their therapy. On my drive home, I always think "I'm gonna get this and this done tonight." Then I get home and pfffbbt.  I don't get hardly anything done. (Although today, I did manage to clean out the fridge, at least I got rid of the old leftover).

I know I need to get up and go to the gym in the morning. I Even set my alarm early so I will have plenty of time.  I know that regular exercise helps me handle stress and anxiety better. But lately, my alarm goes off and I either set it to go off later, or get up and just be lazy. Every great once in awhile, I make it to the gym.

Don't get me started on my end of the housework... Ry does his part pretty dang good (I am pretty lucky). But my list of to do's just keeps getting longer and longer and longer...

I wish I could just snap out of it. And maybe as my hormones adjust to my new medication I will...Meanwhile, I will keep positive and hope that I get my motivation back.

Barely Hangin' On

I feel like there is NEVER enough time in the day. I want to be able to go to work, get my job done, come home, play with the kiddos, do my projects around the house, and spend time with my husband. Is that too much to ask? To have the time or the energy to not feel like I am choosing between my family and my obligations?

I have been avoiding overtime at work. We could use the extra money. But I have been so stressed, so tired, that I just CAN'T do it right now. And then of course, I start worrying about money. Overtime for me is pretty damn good money.

I have not taken on any more obligations at home or work. And yet I feel like I am facing a mountain that cannot be climbed. I have been so overwhelmed. When I have the opportunity to work on one of the items on my "to-do" list, I can't prioritize anymore.

I know this is a temporary feeling. I will be able to get everything sorted out and get back on track with feeling like a normal person, instead of a stressed out nervous wreck.  I know if I can get back on track with going to the gym and eating healthier (damn you holiday season!) I will feel better. I just have to keep my chin up and not break down. Take it one day at a time, and all the other cliches.

After all, my horoscope today said: "you may have another week or two of dealing with some stress, but you will soon have relief."

I really hope this one is accurate!

Cryo-maturo machine

We were invited to a friend's house for dinner on Saturday night, along with a couple of other families. One, the lone man in our PT department, has 2 girls right around the ages of my 2 boys. Aidan and his 3 year old have become fast friends from the first time they met. When she comes to see him at work, she looks for Aidan.

Last night, he had an old cell phone and was "calling" people. First he call me, then he called Daddy. Then he called her. As he was talking to her, he was walking in circles around the coffee table. I wish I had taken a video, because I got a flash forward 10 years  moment. 

It is kinda sad to think of my baby being a teenager. Hell, I haven't even gotten over the fact that my oldest is in school. Let alone in second grade! I am running out of time to invent my cryogenically- freeze- them- before- they- reach- the- annoying- adolescent- know- it all- stage-, yet -still- allows- them- to- grow-, learn- and- mature- and- thaws- them- when- they- are- 30- machine. By my estimation I have 3-5 years tops to get the technology developed for that. 

I could probably make millions on that. Then I could retire.

Thievery at the Courthouse

So, I had Jury Duty this week. Had to go Tuesday for the mandatory "orientation" where they show a video and a judge comes and talks about the jury selection process. Then a list of 40 names were ready. Those 40 had to stay, the rest were free to go and just call that evening to find out about Wednesday. I was one of the 40... We went across to the courthouse and packed in a small room. We sat there for about an hour, and then the bailiff came in and said we could leave until 10:55. So we disperse, I go get a cup of coffee and a scone.  I return early, to get a comfy chair. At around 11:30 the bailiff comes in, and reads ten names, those ten people got to leave, however they still had to call in to find out about Wednesday.. I was one of the ten.

Why couldn't they have released those ten when they recessed?!? I had things to do, appointments to make. Oh. Well.

I didn't have to go on Wednesday, so I went to work. Nothing exciting happened there.

I did have to go today. In the cold, pouring down rain. Did I mention, jurors have to park about 3 blocks away from the courthouse? Luckily, I had a trusty umbrella in the car. I also remembered to bring a magazine.

I went through the security scanner, got comfy, pulled out my magazine and was reading about the different models of disability (I'm a nerd, I know). The potential jurors were separated into 2 groups. My group got to go to another room, where the seats were much nicer, although, since they were on wheels, I wouldn't recommend them to some of the people in my group!

We sit there for about an hour or so. Then the bailiff comes in, followed by the judge. The judge explains that the cases scheduled to start today had been cancelled, and thanked us for our service. Woohoo! Freedom!

Oh Shit! Where's my umbrella? I left it in the other jury room. So the bailiff, another person (who left his lunch there) and I make our way through the labyrinth of the courthouse back to the other room. Someone stole my umbrella! It was not there! The other man, said he remembered seeing it under the chair as we were leaving.

Really? You are there to serve on a jury, and you steal an umbrella? What if it had belonged to an old lady who had to wait for the bus in the rain? If you were stupid enough to not bring one of your own, that's your problem! Don't take it from someone else!

At least I can walk pretty fast, so I didn't get drenched.

If I say it, I have to do it

I am going to the gym tomorrow. I am going to the gym tomorrow. I AM going to the gym tomorrow.

There, I told the world I was going. If I don't go, I will have to admit it on tomorrow's edition. Then ya'll can tell me how good it is for me, how I will have more energy, feel better, blah, blah, blah...  

I know all of the standard benefits. And that's why I am going.

Candace

Perfection

It is so easy to look in the mirror and see only flaws. To see the 3 giant Mount McKinley sized zits on my  face, the nearly 20 pounds I have gained since I have had my second child, the gray beginning to show in my hair, the uneven smile, less than white teeth. I could go on. But that is not the point of this post.

The point is, I am learning how to look past the flaws. Some days are easier than others. Sunday, when I worked, one of my residents said "Candace, you have just a beautiful complexion." Of course, my response was some flippant remark about the wonder of cosmetics. Because, when I looked in the mirror that morning, all I saw was the almost topographic quality of my face. I absolutely hate being in my 30s and having acne. But you know, I may not have clear skin, but I DO have even skin tone and I don't have wrinkles.

Not only is it easy to see the flaws in oneself, it is easy to see them in other people, the government, the media, pretty much anything. And all this negativity creates a vicious circle.

I have struggled a good portion of my adult life with only focusing on the flaws, especially in myself. Then not being able to admit that I had flaws. I was bitter and angry. Let's face it, I was Queen Bitch. I didn't like myself, and that just made it worse. I honestly don't see how I had any friends during that period of my life. Then I met Ryan. And that will be a story for another day, as I don't want to get side tracked. Suffice it to say he was the turning point from constant bitchiness to occasional bitch.

I know that I have flaws, and that some I need to fix, others I can't. Not all my flaws are visible to others. I don't know why I feel the way I do sometimes. When I think about admitting something is wrong with me, health wise, emotionally, whatever, I freeze up. I feel like crying. Right now, I can feel the tears burning in my eyes. Because I know I am not perfect. I know no one expects me to be- except for me.

I feel like I should be able to be the best physical therapist assistant, making productivity every day, working miracles with my patients that have had Strokes, getting those with advanced dementia to follow instruction and retain the information I give them.

I feel like I should be able to work 40 hours a week, keep the house spotless, laundry folded and put away, have dinner on the table every evening. And then after all that is done, I should have energy to play with the kids, help Sean with his homework. And still have energy left for my husband.

Why? Because I am Candace. I should be perfect. I am Superwoman. I should be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

That's what I feel. I know differently. I know I am imperfect. I can not do everything and be everything to everyone. I know I can't work full time and do all the housework. I can't work miracles, I can only facilitate the healing and motor planning.

There is just a disconnect in what I feel and what I know.  I am learning to bridge the gap. I am learning ways of handling the stress that all these thoughts and feelings produce within me. I am learning to take the proverbial step back and deep breath...

Mmmmm... Coffee

Hi my name is Candace. I am addicted to coffee.

I love it. I love everything about it. The smell. The cream. The sugar. Added flavors. The texture as it floats over my tongue. I can drink it hot, cold, frozen, luke warm, room temperature. I don't care. It is ambrosia from the heavens to me. The only thing better than coffee, is coffee with doughnuts, or cheesecake (that was our first date after all)....

I can drink a cup before I leave for work, while I dry my hair and do my makeup. I fix another cup and head out the door. Usually, I only get a few sips before I am off and running. Well, getting my patients up and walking, anyways. My travel mug sits lonely at my workstation. When I walk by the office door, it all but calls to me to come and pick it up, and sip lovingly at its spout. Sigh, I must keep on schedule. Sometimes, I am able to finish it at lunch. Then I spend all afternoon wishing I had more. I drive home hoping that my husband has left a few ounces in the pot for me. No such luck today. I didn't even get my second cup. I finished my first after coming home today.

I like it brewed just about any way. We have an automatic drip and a French Press. Have you ever tried coffee made with a French Press? It is pretty darn tasty. I'm just too lazy some (read most) mornings to do it that way. Besides, the one we have is only a 2 cupper, and if I have 2 cups, then my husband has to make his own. I try to be nice and make it for him. But the process isn't really that difficult.

• You grind up a whole bunch of coffee beans to a coarse setting. Use about 2 heaping tablespoons per 8 oz of water.
• dump in the bottom of the press
• Heat up the water to an almost boil, then pour into the press.  One website recommends the water to be between 195-200 degrees
• Let steep for 4 minutes then slowly press the plunger down to press all the coffee grounds to the bottom.
• Pour coffee immediately into mugs or a carafe. If it stays in the press, it gets acidic and doesn't taste as good.
• prepare as you like and enjoy!

I highly recommend that you try it. With cheesecake. Or a doughnut. Or cookies (fresh baked, of course). Or cinnamon rolls (try the Pioneer Woman's recipe. Best. Ever.)

Now, maybe I will go make some decaf. Too late for the full brew stuff.

Candace

Who Am I?

I am a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a dog owner, a worrier... I am a lot of things. I enjoy music, dancing, talking, reading, photography, knitting, running, cooking, organizing. (I think I am a bit OCD with my organizing).

I want to be a better wife, mother, daughter and friend. I want to worry less and be less OCD. 

I want to have more energy to play with my kids. 

I have 2 sons, a husband, and 2 dogs. Sean is 7, Aidan, 3. My mom cursed me with the "I hope you have a child just like you" curse when I was growing up. That child is Aidan. Trust me, if Sean had my personality, he would be an only child! My husband is so patient and kind that it makes my heart weep. I don't know where I would be if he wasn't in my life. My dogs.... they are my "daughters"... I needed some female backup with all that testosterone in the house! Amaretto (Ammy for short) is a Cocker Spaniel. She never got full sized, so I say she is a miniature. Her twin is a Saint Bernard, Savannah. I say they are twins since they are the same age, but we don't know Savannah's exact birthday. 

I work as a physical therapist assistant in a nursing and rehabilitation center in Southern Oregon. I love my job, I love making a difference in the lives I touch there. I love the cankerous old men and the sweet little ladies. I love the stories they tell about their younger days, what they did for a living. We can learn so much from the elderly.

I am writing this blog to help me understand myself a little better. Hopefully it will be interesting and enjoyable. I have never blogged before, although there are several I enjoy reading on a regular basis, so this will be filled with a variety of topics from kids and dogs, to knitting, to whatever thoughts pop into my head (Like how did they get the air down to Sandy's dome in Spongebob). Yes I, a 31 year old woman, have wondered that.

Candace